Monday, November 24, 2008

Weekend in Review: Random Thoughts

Hey Peoples! Hope you had a good weekend. Sorry I've been slacking on the posts over here. I'll try to do better.

Anyway here's how my weekend went.

I didn’t see The Bison this weekend. We went to a happy hour Thursday night and we spent the night together. He sent me to work with a smile on my face though ☺. He gchatted me this morning to say that he missed me. Awww.

Enterprise tried to act like they wanted my future first born just because I was using a debit card to rent a car. Bastards. I need my local Congressman to help revise that process since consumer credit is at a premium these days.

Perfume counter ladies are gangsta! I wanted a new fragrance and ended up walking away with two sets and ALL three free gifts they were offering that day and a few extra purse lotions and perfume samples.

So rather than do a stupid random song in the middle of the restaurant like most restaurants, the employees at Joe’s Crab Shack get to do a stupid random Cha Cha Slide in the middle of the restaurant. That dance looks soooooo different when 2520s do it.

Seafood enchiladas and Great Balls of Fire (jalepeno, shrimp and crab balls) are the business!

I need to remember that the next time I need a cameraman in the club to either ask a girl or a cute guy I wouldn’t mind flirting with. Made the mistake of asking some dude that just happened to be around and he ended up harassing me for a dance all night.

Drunkenly dancing back and forth between me and my home girl, and then cycling back through the rest of your friends, won’t get you either of our numbers.

I thought tonguing people down in the middle of the club was out of style.

Some people should really leave the club before they turn the lights back on.

I finally got my digital TV converter boxes, while it does make the picture clearer and take away the static you hear when you have a weak signal, instead you get a stupid pixilated screen and it makes it sound like everyone is stuttering.

The $5 DVD bin at Wal-Mart is the devil. Why can’t I stay away?

Popeye’s put all my favorites in a bowl and called it The Big Easy Chicken Bowl. I added a biscuit on the side and was in heaven. LOL.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Weekend in Review/Winter Bunning

Happy Monday peoples! I had a pretty good weekend.

Saturday I had to work from home to cover a press conference President Bush did after the G-20 finance summit. I wish I had been covering President-elect Obama though. Hmm…I wonder if I can get my local Congressman to try and push up the inauguration date.

So since I was working from home I took the opportunity to clean up a little do some organizing. Every time I start in on such a project I think to myself, man why I do I let it get this bad? I almost gave up and called in Clean House, but I don’t want them to make me sell my shoes and handbags.

Later that night, The Bison and I went to one of my male friend’s birthday party at Strike Bethesda. It’s funny how he agreed to go but on the way he starts asking all these questions about the nature of the relationship with myself and said friend. Wanting to know if we had dated or whatever, so he would know what kind of situation he was walking into. But what if I had been some trife girl and was taking him to some crazy, jealous ex’s party? I guess he trusts me.

The party was great. I bowled like a 47, but I felt like one of “them.” The girls I always envied for having their man around to take care of stuff. The Ones who all they had to do was show up and be cute. I could get used to this. LOL.

Speaking of getting used being one of "them", I swear, as the temperature dips so does male apprehension to bunning up—marking the beginning of Winter Bun Season. CocaColaCutie’s web dictionary—the abridged version—defines Winter Bun Season as the time of year characterized by high rates of boo/wifey up-dom. Generally begins at the first dip in temperature below 50 degrees Fahrenheit and marked by several changes in facebook statuses from “single” to “in a relationship.”

I swear collectively they are singing in their heads:

Oh the weather outside is frightful
But the fire is so delightful
And since we’ve no place to go
Let us bun, let us bun, let us bun.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Well maybe. Maybe I can get my local Congressman to push up the time for this season like they did with Daylight Savings Time. (Ha! Two local Congressman references in one blog! I’m on fire! LOL). If you’re normally single during this time of year like I am, you can expect to be hit with texts, IMs, and phone calls from Random Negroes looking to save on their gas/electric bills. Hmmm, maybe I should have thought about that before I paid that revised version of that gargantuan gas bill.

But seriously I swear my almost-taken status has only heightened Winter Bun Season for me. We haven’t even seen a hint of snow and I’ve already been hit up by a few former potential boos.

The Trainer
hit me up apologizing for how things went down. He was the one that ended up dodging my calls and texts and then finally told me that he was kinda, sorta, maybe talking to his ex-gf. He was acting like he wanted to go out on Veterans’ Day, but I had to work. The Mason has been trying to keep himself in the mix. Last night he told me he was going to plan a weekend getaway for us. I won’t hold my breath.

Monday, November 10, 2008

You Betta Getchu One

I don't feel like boring you with mushy, gushy details of my weekend with The Bison, so instead I bring you a rare reflective post.

The first-family elect has brought to the forefront the endless possibilities of a strong black family unit. It’s encouraging to now hear my male friends say they are looking for their “Michelle” since my closest friends and I always joked that the easiest way to get wifed up was to not do anything with your life. It seemed that our “hot commodity” bachelor friends were always choosing unmotivated women—women with no passion other than to serve their men—as their mates. One by one they provided “proof” of our completely unscientific conclusion.

Now I’m hopeful that watching Barack and Michelle in White House will mean that black men will no longer be afraid to have a strong woman by their side. That it’ll be ok for as Neyo says to “love her cause she got her own.” (Special thanks to all the local Congressmen who lent their support to help them become the first family and an inspiration to all.)

This shift has brought about my own self-analysis about whether or not I am a “Michelle.” Would I complement a “Barack?” I look good on paper, but there’s more to mere professional accolades to being a “Michelle.” She has a style and grace that no Ivy League school could have cultivated.

I wonder am I strong enough on my own yet submissive enough to allow the right man to lead our future family and me? It’s a balance that the self-described “mom-in-chief” has gracefully achieved. She hasn’t given up who she is to let her man shine. Best friends for sixteen years, her light helps him shine. I’m sure he’d tell you that any day of the week.

So as I explore my romantic interest, I’m striving to be the best “Michelle” I can be and hoping that he’ll be my “Barack.” What I want is less about being that “Washington power couple” and more about developing a love that will stand the test of time and enable us to add another notch to the strong black family column that for so long has deteriorated. Ladies and gents as my bff says, “you better getchu one.”

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

At the Polls/Weekend in Review

Hey Blog Fam. I’m going to interrupt the regularly scheduled Take ‘em Back Tuesday to tell y’all all about my voting experience this morning.

Since I’m motor vehicularly challenged, I waited until the sun came up to walk to my polling place. It’s like around the corner from my house and I figured that even if I had to wait a while I wouldn’t complain because I was just going to go back home and get in the bed anyway. Still I wasn’t quite prepared to see the line wrapped around a part of the parking lot of the community services center that I didn’t even know existed. Folks were out there deep! Shout out to my local Congressman for getting early voting on the ballot. I hope people vote in favor of that joint so that I can choose when I want to vote next time. Still, if voting for Barack weren’t incentive enough then the folks at my polling place made my two-hour wait worth every second!

There were the “entrepreneurs” taking advantage of the captive audience. One man was out selling Obama t-shirts. One had “him” (and I say that loosely because whoever drew the template either can’t draw or confused Obama with Samuel L. Jackson) with a basketball in hand making a slam dunk. The other shirt he was showcasing had “Obama” in Tom Cruise stealth mode and it read Mission Possible. But the thing that got me was he was wearing a jacket with Obama’s rising sun symbol emblazoned with red, white and blue rhinestones. Black folks love them some rhinestones. That thing had more rhinestones than a Kimora Lee Simmons runway collection. Then there was this kid, who couldn’t have been more than eight or nine, walking around trying to rent this folding chair, a dollar for 15 minutes. Errrybody got a hustle. I wasn’t even mad at him. I didn’t give him no dollar, but I respected his gangsta. But I can’t lie the EBP in me made me cringe at the thought of being the mother of that child.

Then of course there were the bad ass kids that make you want to take two birth control pills, the shot and double up on the condoms before having sex. One little boy was swinging around one of those metal parking signs and busted his head. He was trying to act all hard like he wasn’t hurt but he stood his ass in one place after that. Shortly thereafter this lil girl busted her ass hopping on and off the sidewalk. I love when bad little kids hurt themselves. I be like, “Yes! That’s what you get! Now sit your lil bad ass down!”

Then there was the political banter about the candidates. How even though he was ahead in the polls Obama had to campaign like he was underdog. One lady was like despite the fact that he was raised by white women and went to all the “right” schools he’s still a black man. One-drop rule.

And as we made it inside the building folks were getting off their cell phones talking about, “Girl I gotta get off this phone. I’m not trying to jam up the machines. I want my vote to count!”

I love it. I hope everyone did their civic duty and went out and voted. If not take the time to do it and maybe you’ll get a few stories out of the experience.

On to my weekend. I spent more time with The Bison. He’s quickly becoming a “part” of my life. Thursday we did a late happy hour at Fridays and on Halloween we went party hopping. I was Lady Elvis. He’s not the dress up type so the most I could get him to do was to put on a black suit and be my “security.” LOL.

Here’s a couple of pics.

Saturday after we went to work he picked me up, we went to Macy’s. (He didn’t even mind pouring over the MAC counter with me), got some soul food at this place on U Street called Ooohs and Aaahs, and saw Zack and Miri Make a Porno. Hilarious! A must see I tell you! Sunday we lazed around my house. I made breakfast and we watched Friday. I had forgotten how much I like that movie. “I’m just gonna tuck mine in.” LOL.

And of course what would my weekend be without a couple Random Negro Stories. I was working from home on Friday waiting for the gas company to rectify my situation, when I logged into yahoo and was greeted by this message from Friendship and Fun:

ending one love
one warm hug
one prayer full of...
a solicitation for the emancipation
of the dreams you have on reservation
I wish God upon you
You've been patient
Today's the end of your waiting
Arise and be who you were created to be
Let's begin your celebration

This is me
lending myself
lending tears for life's cries
understanding for life's whys
comfort for life’s sighs
for hugs, I’m lending arms and shoulders
giving the muscles in between to help you with life's boulders
sending warmth when hearts around seem to get quite colder
you can borrow my legs when u need someone to run with you
We can serve together, I'll use my gifts too
when down, I'll lift you
there's nothing we can't get to
and sift though
This is me... always with you

I chatted with him for a while and he tells me that he’s interviewing for some jobs in D.C. and basically asked to crash with me for a while—talking about he wants to help me pay my rent. I’m like ummm no.

Then The Mason performed the reappearing portion of his disappearing act, trying to ask me out on date. I told him I already had plans and that he should have hit me up earlier in the week because a lady needs three days notice. He complained about the new “rules” and I told him that he—being a Republican and all—didn’t do too well in the free market and now it’s time to abide by the regulations. I told him that if history were any guide there would be a time for deregulation. But honestly I seriously doubt if I ever see him again. He’s too flaky and even if he weren’t I know he wouldn’t be what The Bison is—a true gentleman, opening doors, helping me with my coat, and taking out my trash, kissing me and randomly telling me I’m beautiful. Ok. Let me stop before this gets too mushy. What am I turning into?????

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Weekend In Review/Take ‘em Back Tuesday

Hey guys. Weekend-in-Review, the abridged version.

I spent a lot of time with The Bison. Friday we went to dinner and to see SAW V. It was aight, but we were both confused so when we got out of the movie we went to Blockbuster and picked up SAW IV to watch at my house. We didn't end up watching the movie but not for reasons you'd think. We got into a mini argument when he made two stops at 7-Eleven. I got mad that he stopped to get condoms because I figured it meant he was going to down that wayward path of trying to get some and bounce. He was like I don't know how many ways I can tell you that I'm not these other dudes you were messing with before me. Fair enough. We kissed and made up and I let it go. But he still ain't get no nooky. At least not that day. LOL.

Saturday was work at the part time. I was supposed to go to a party, but after getting my Halloween costume and roaming around Target for randomness I just decided against it. Sidebar: I love how Halloween is license to, as Kayellejaye put it, "slut it up guilt free." We should get more of those holidays. I'll consult my local Congressman.

I thought The Bison was gonna come back over and chill with me, but he didn't and I was too tired to protest.

Sunday I ran some errands and then The Bison came over and we finally got around to watching SAW IV, which I thought was better than the new movie out.

On to the Take 'em Back Tuesday, which this week will serves as a public service announcement and thus is dedicated to all the men out there who want to approach me when they’re hanging out one on one with a woman. Please don’t do it. If you want to meet me, or any woman for that matter, go out with your boys or alone. I don’t care if she is your friend, sister, cousin, brother’s wife, brother’s baby mama, god-sister, auntie’s co-worker from her part time job, it’s just not a good idea.

Learn from this situation. Back in June out of boredom I went to a lounge solo. I’d heard it was a nice lil spot for a Friday night and it was free so I said why not. I got there kinda early (to take advantage of the free admission) and as I expected no one was really in the spot. There were about 12 people in the spot: myself, a group of girls that were either celebrating a birthday or just out for happy hour and the staff. But like I said it was mad early so I expected that. The DJ was banging, played some 90s R&B that I hadn’t heard in a while, so I decided to wait it out.

Around 11 a few more people started trickling in. First another group of girls, then a dude who was rolling solo, and finally a guy and a girl. I was sitting off from the bar. I didn’t really feel like drinking and I had to drive anyway. So I was chilling. I bopped to the music some more, people watched and then I noticed that the dude that had come in with the girl, lets call him Dunkin’ Donuts--because he should have backed back from a few of em--was all eyeing me up. He was about 5’10, 250, wore glasses and had a somewhat receding hairline. None of which sparked any interest on my part. Anyway I thought to myself, how disrespectful. I would hate to be with a guy who has a wandering eye, and he was so not being slick about it.

I start texting so pass more time as I wait for people to come. Next thing I know Dunkin’ Donuts had swooped down from the bar, has abandoned his company, and is now by my side. Like I said earlier Dunkin' Donuts is not exactly my cup of tea, but I’m always nice so I answered all his questions with a smile but tried to not appear interested. After telling me that he’s about ten years my senior (35) and that chick he was there celebrating his sister's birthday he retreats to the bar.

I go outside to take a phone call, and when I come back in Dunkin' Donuts is motioning me over to the bar. I'm all confused--like what this Negro want. I go over and he's like oh I wanted to introduce you to my sister. *RECORD SCRATCH* Yes. What in the ham sandwich? So I look over to the sister, and say hi how are you doing. She says hi and is not friendly. But hey I guess I wouldn't be that friendly either if I was celebrating my birthday alone with my damn brother. But that's an entirely different blog.

The whole thing was so uncomfortable and brings me back to my original point. Do not try and holla when you are out with another woman.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Random Negro Stories File: Dirty Old Man With a Cause

Hey peoples. Sorry for my MIAness. Life got in the way of blogging, but I have a few moments and a story that I must must must share with you guys.

This afternoon I was walking to my office from the Hill and I pass by this old man. Because my luck would have it he swoops in from the corner up to me and says, “My my my, the gates of heaven must have opened up and let you right on out.”

Amused by his compliment I smile and say, “Apparently.” I tried quickening my pace to lose him, but he keeps up with me and keeps going on about how I’m such a beautiful woman and what not. Then he starts talking about this newspaper created to give homeless men a way to make money other than just begging on the street. I look up and notice his “Street Sense” badge. Oh so that’s what this was about. This bamma was sweet talking me to get me to give him some change. He’s like anything you can give to help is fine. I mean it’s a really good skit. They get some money, you get a tangible product. It’s win-win. I’ll encourage my local Congressman to get this going in Maryland.

I reach in my bag and give him a dollar and try to move on my merry way, but he’s not done with me. He’s like, “One more thing can I take you out later tonight for a piece of chicken?” *Insert Record Scratch* Something to keep in mind: these Street Sense vendors are homeless people, not just the volunteers helping them out, but the homeless people themselves! According to their website, “The vendors make an average of $40 a day, and some have even been able to use this money to move out of the shelter.” So I guess he can afford the chicken, but still! I don’t know how I feel about getting hit on by homeless men.

Being polite I said no thank you I already have plans tonight. (I do! Supposedly going on a date to see the new Saw movie.) Why did this man say, “That’s ok. I’ll bring him a piece of chicken too!” What in ham sandwich?!? I laughed and walked away and he finally moved on probably to his next customer/potential date.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Weekend In Review/Random Negro Stories File: Homecoming Winning Weekend

Oh my. Where do I start? So many stories to share from this weekend! Are you ready? My apologies in advance for this thesis length post, but this is gonna be a good one! I promise.

Thursday night my friends and I had a girl’s night in with Hooters Wings, Sweet Potato Pie, French Vanilla Ice Cream, and a wide array of white liquors. We laughed it up, shared war stories and love stories. Good times. We hadn’t gotten together like that since my friend’s baby shower last July.

Sobering up Friday morning we got dressed and headed to Howard’s campus for Yardfest. I didn’t pay much attention to the musical acts, but it was nice to be out and about and see old friends and take pictures and eat fried fish and chicken wings. We visited our Journalism mentors and ate up mass amounts of free chicken at this reception hosted by the School of Communications.

Friday night was the big Diddy party at Love and where my interesting Random Negro Stories File begins.

One of my random negroes, No Love In ’08, resurfaced. He texted me asking what I was getting into for the night and I tell him and he says he’ll be there too and maybe he’ll see me. Several shots of Patron and the fact that I probably still haven’t gotten over him had me feeling all nostalgic so I replied that it would be nice. Mistake number one.

So we got all dolled up and rolled out with liquor in car to pre-game. So we pull into the club’s parking lot and notice that two cars full of dudes on either side of us were doing the same. Already having downed several shots of Patron I roll down my passenger side window and start asking what they were sipping on. They answer Ciroc and we start making jokes about how this economy has gainfully employed folks drinking in the car. (Free drinks in the club are getting more and more scarce these days. I think I’ll thank my local Congressman for that. He better hope that SuperBailout Fund works and things get back to normal!) Anyway we end up chatting with the guys in the car on the driver’s side. One guy preemptively laid his claim on one of my girls. We were like dang already we haven’t even made it out the car yet.

Once inside danced around and I swear the music activated my buzz because I wasn’t feeling anything before that. Maybe I’m just becoming a lush. No Love In ’08 texts me and after I while I find him on the dance floor on the second level. We dance for a bit but he kinda moves on but is still hovering in the area. Meanwhile other dudes start dancing with me and he takes it upon himself to start dancing with my friend. I got a lil jealous and started putting on a show with whatever random negro was behind me. I was putting in some serious work. He does the same with my friend. So there we are eyeing each other up going tit for tat with our dance partners. Eventually we get back to dancing with each other and then end up moving on once my friends were ready to check out what was going on in the rest of the club.

So up we went. The third floor was pretty cool. We moved to this “outside” area and danced. I got a Bonecrusher and after I finished my drink I got back to dancing. I ended up dancing with some dude. He offered to buy me a drink so we headed back to the bar but it took so long to get the bartender’s attention that he just ended up handing me some money and took off to find his friends or whatever. I didn’t particularly care. I already had my free drink money in hand so I got some Ciroc to see what everybody has been raving all about. I asked the bartender to mix it with Pineapple. To tell the truth I don’t know if I just got a bad drink or something, but I really wasn’t that impressed with it. Glancing across the bar I noticed this dude that I had a crush on freshman year. We made eye contact so I tipped my drink up to him and he did the same. He was still cute but he looked bammafied to me. He had on one of those puffy vests (probably a North Face) with a long sleeved button up.

After Free Drink Dude rolled out I ended up dancing with this other dude who I later discovered I went to school with. (Duh it was a Homecoming party!) Anyway we’ll call him The Bison. He seemed nice enough so we exchanged numbers. After he left my friends and I finally made it up to the fourth floor where I ran into more people I knew. My friend was texting this guy she wanted to meet up with but en route we ran into one of her old hoes. Trying to run interference for her I ended up getting half molested on the dance floor. But tell me why once we got up there the dude text her back and said he went back downstairs. WTF. So back down we went. All the way to the first level.

I ran back into No Love In ’08. We hugged and started talking. He ends up inviting me back to his place, but the conversation took a nosedive. Somehow we started rehashing ancient history (from him almost becoming my baby daddy to the revelation that nothing was going to happen between us in 2008—hence his nick name—to him telling me that he’s no longer with the girl he chose to be with instead of me, but now talking to someone else—still not me.) I had this Grey’s Anatomy moment where I’m basically drunkenly asking him to choose me. He doesn't. I'm tearing up at this point and he wants a chance to explain later that so much had happened and it was because we lost touch and that I have bad timing. I asked him what was I really supposed to do given that he told me that nothing was going to happen between us this year. I'm quasi yelling, "It's still 2008." He said if the shoe were on the other foot he would have stayed in touch because he wanted my friendship. I swear that's code for lemme keep you on the sidelines just in case I need to make a substitution. I don't want that. I ended up walking away and back to a guy friend who consoles me for a moment. We leave the club and I go to bed disheartened.

Luckily I bounce back quickly. Or at least pretend to. What about the football? Oh yea that. Howard lost of course—at least it was in double overtime though. A little before I got on the Yard to watch the game Saturday afternoon The Bison sent me a text telling me how he met me at Love and wanted to know if I was just in town for the weekend or if I live in the area. I tell him I live here and he tells me that he lives in Hyattsville. He suggests getting together on Sunday to hang out since we both had plans for Saturday night. I agree, but of course because he's a young Alumni I ended up running into him at the Yacht Party that night. I was doing a quick scan of the room when I end up bumping right into him. He hugs me for a long time and then we start dancing. He's like girl I'm so gone right now. You need to be gone like me. So I say, "Well get me gone" and we head to the bar. He buys me a Bonecrusher Leaning in close to me he says, "I was hoping your sexy ass would be here tonight." We danced for a bit and afterwards he tells me he'll catch up with me later and I go back in search of my friends. I make it to the second level of the boat where most people were, so I dance around and run into people.

Like an hour before the boat was supposed to go back to the dock The Bison and I have this drunken text exchange (complete with ignorant slang and typographical errors for your enjoyment).

The Bison: I am gone.
Me: I'm done son.
The Bison: Me too lol.
Me: wheer r u
The Bison: outside the second floor of the boat.
Me: Come back in.
The Bison: I can't lol. I'm done. come home with me and i'll take you home in the morning
Me: If I can find u
The Bison: I'm on the 2nd floor of the boat
The Bison: outside
Me: Outsside too

Despite this clearly drunken exchange I do end up finding him and going back to his place with him. He shuttles his friends back to their cars and we head out to his spot. We get there and bammas are up like it's 4 o'clock in the afternoon rather than 4 o'clock in the morning. One of them is walking around with half a chicken in his hand and offers me some. I decline and he's like, "I made it before I was drunk so it's good." I'll take your word for it playa.

The Bison shows me to his room only to discover there are no sheets on the bed. So he starts yelling at his roommates about where his sheets went. One yells back they're in the dirty clothes. He starts dropping all kinds of F bombs like, “Like what the fuck. Where the fuck are my sheets dog.” He finds a pillow and throws it on the bed and goes back out the room—in search of sheets I guess. I start to curl up on the bed but then I start smelling something rank. I start to move around but this rancid smell is still invading my nostrils so I open my eyes and start looking around. I get up from the bed when I figure out where the smell is coming from. Dude has still not come back to the room, so I yell to him, umm I think someone threw up in your bed. He runs back to the room like are you serious? He looks and sees that indeed someone has regurgitated only God knows what onto his bed. More F Bombs. He figures out which roommate upchucked all in his space. The bathroom is across from The Bison’s bedroom so he’s still yelling, “What the fuck, did you mistake my room for the bathroom?”

He gave up and we go back into the living room. He shifts gears and then starts yelling at him to give up his sheets. The roommate is like is it for her or for you. He’s like for her and her and he comes out with some comforter. I’m dumbfounded that any of this is actually happening. I mean I really thought I was in an alternate universe but then I remember who I am and figured that if this was going to happen to anyone it would indeed happen to me. We end up moving to the couch but the roommate—still wide awake—has brought out his laptop and is surfing the net I guess at like almost 5 a.m. I end up falling asleep and when I woke up sometime around 9 a.m. the roommate is in the exact place he was when I fell asleep. Sitting at this small ass “dining room” table. I swear it was like a tall coffee table, but what really what really made me lose it was seeing the roommate in a recliner pushed up to the table. Ghetto! I woke up dehydrated of course so I ask dude for some water and he brings it out in a wine goblet. Gotta love bachelor life.

So he starts getting ready and asking me if I’m hungry and suggests getting something to eat and then chilling at my place. I’m like only one problem. I don’t have my keys. I left them at my friend’s house fearing that I’d lose them on the boat. He’s like damn and then finally agrees to just drop me back off at my friend’s place. On the way back we talk and discover that we have friends in common and that we actually could have met a couple weeks earlier at a birthday party I was supposed to go to. He said he still wanted to get up later in the day per our original plan from Saturday afternoon, but he was feeling sick all day and I was just tired from the whole crazy weekend.

If that wasn’t a crazy enough random negro story this is sure to put it over the top. Sunday after riding with my friends to see one off to the airport and the other back to her spot, I get home. I start reconnecting with the online world, checking Facebook, Myspace and instant messaging folks online. I sent a quick message to this one dude I met on this dating site, we’ll call him Esquire. So we’re chit chatting about Colin Powell endorsing Barack Obama but then I shift the conversation to when we’re gonna get together and he starts talking about how things are crazy and he tells me that he ended up going out on a date with some woman he was dating about a year ago and that he actually had a really great time and that he was probably going to see “what was up with that.” He said he didn’t (insert air quotes) know that I wanted to date him. Oh really. Last weekend he was talking about how he wanted to go see W with me, but of course that wasn’t going to work out because of my prior Homecoming engagements.

So I’m thinking to myself are you serious. In the span of one weekend I’m really going to get passed over twice?!? I must have been a horrible person in my past life. So I start thanking him for being honest and not wasting my time and he’s like well I’m sure you’re dating other people anyway. So I’m like I thought you didn’t assume things. He’s like I’m not. So I go well unless you’ve seen me on a date how is that not an assumption? He reveals that some conversations we had about blogging (I told him I was addicted to reading them) got him curious about blogging so he did some research about local blogs and found mine. He put two and two together with my blog name and the job and location. Shit. Not that I necessarily wanted to hide the fact that I’ve been dating, but there’s something about discovering that someone you’re trying to date has information that you didn’t intend for them to have. Well at least not all the sordid details.

He confessed that finding it made him realize that he wouldn’t start one because anyone that he might write about could quite easily stumble upon it and that talking to me became a low priority because he felt like he’d just be added to the mix of men in my life and he’s not looking for that. So my big ass mouth and open ass blog cost me a potential relationship. Now I’m all paranoid about who else might be reading this thing. Oh well I’ll keep searching. But maybe I should restrict my Random Negro Stories File entries to foolishness so far in the past it won’t have any impact on my current love life. Or maybe it’s time to lock this baby down and only let invited readers into my crazy world.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Random Negro Stories File: The Staffer

Hey people. I’m gonna be MIA until Monday when I fill you in about my Howard Homecoming Winning Weekend. No I don’t actually expect them to win the game (Howard is not known for its athletic programs), but it just sounded good. Like those radio promotions when you call in to win free tickets to stuff. Anyway I’ve got a quick story to tell y’all.

So where was I? Oh Homecoming. So I’m at work this morning waiting on this Committee hearing to start. (Sidebar: You know they are really ruining my “recess.” I mean my local Congressman is back in his district probably campaigning or something, why can’t they be?) Anyway I overhear these two dudes talking about Howard Homecoming. After a while I interject and ask if either of them went to Howard. One actually did and we start the whole when did you graduate, what events are you going to thing. The dude he was talking to had to run, but we kept talking.

Turns out he’s the IT Director for one of the Committees I regularly cover, so he’ll be called The Staffer. Trying to get into my networking mode I ask him if he has a card and he’s like I’ll get one for you. I thought it was one of those lines that people say when they really don’t want to give you their card, so I was surprised when he actually came back to the room and hands me his card. I gave him mine and he left.

I got this email about some alumni parties for the weekend, so I sent him a quick email telling him about the parties and that it was nice to meet him. He replied saying it was nice to meet me as well and thanked me for the party information. I reply no problem. And then he writes back, “Sorry I know you are probably busy but after sitting in the hearing for about 2 hours you may be a little hungry. If you are free after this is over we should grab lunch.”

After some consultation with SuperDave about the nature of this invite (Is it a date or just a networking opportunity?) I accept the offer and tell him I just have to finish up some work and drop my stuff off and I’ll be free.

I’m thinking since we’re on the Hill we’ll just go to one of the cafeterias on site, so when he suggested going to Uno’s I’m starting to think this isn’t just networking. I’m not a big Uno’s fan so I ask him what else he’s got in mind and we agree on going to the Capitol City Brewery not too far from Union Station.

I dropped my stuff off and did a quick hair/makeup check. Date or not you will not catch me slipping. I meet him outside of his office and we walk over there. As we sit down he starts asking me all these date type questions like what’s my favorite food and where’s my family and stuff, so I conclude that this is indeed a date. He did pay and as we walked back to the Hill he was like well it was nice and said he’d give me a call and maybe we could do it again next week.

So there! I finally met someone in person and outside of the club scene. I thought I was going to be totally dependent on the Internet to find dates, but guess what?!? Ya girl still got it!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Random Negro Stories File: The Mason

So many of you may be wondering what happened to the guy from “The Date That Went Well” blog. Well guess what?!? So am I.

The Mason, much like many of the other guys I find myself digging, is a mess. What a disappointment.

A week after that date he promised a day of quality time with lunch, shooting pool, and then DVD watching at my house. Well the night before all of that was supposed to go down, he went to his ten-year high school reunion, got drunk off his ass because it was open bar, and canceled on me. Fine I said. I know all too well what a hang over of that magnitude can do to a person. So I didn’t trip. He said he’d make it up the next day.

Well the next day came and went with nary a call, text, smoke signal, or carrier pigeon from The Mason, to offer any explanation about why he stood me up. You think I’d learned from Iraq and just let it go right. No I can’t leave well enough alone so I asked him what was up. He apologized saying he had an emergency and that he fucked up by not calling. Ya damn right you fucked up. Again he promised to make it up. Silly me I believed him.

I did see him once more after that great date, but it was an impulse come over and spend the night with me type thing. We didn’t do the hokey pokey after acknowledging that it would muddy an already unclear situation. We even chatted the next day. But then communication faded to black. Again I asked him what was up and he said that he was busy and probably too busy to date and ended things saying he hoped I was available when he wasn’t as busy.

So there it was: my brush off. Or so I thought. Three days later he sends me an unsolicited text message talking about how he owes me a date and that he wanted to pick back up where things left off that night he came over. Figures. So I text him back saying “Oh, guess you’re not too busy for that.” We go through this whole exchange over text (that by the way really should have been a phone conversation) about how he wants more than a FB, but that it’s hard for him to devote the time to a relationship that he should. Foolishly I told him that I was still willing to work with him. He said fine and said that we would talk about it after he got out of his class.

Well of course you know he didn’t call. So I did but it was sometime later. I just had to know why this fool keeps breaking his word. He said something about how it slipped his mind and I shouldn’t let him forget. Whatever. But still we make plans to meet up one day after I get off work. So day of, I call him and am like what we doing tonight? He said he wasn’t expecting me to get off work as early as I did and he made plans to feed the homeless. How convenient. But he says he’ll be done in a couple of hours. He lives out in Alexandria so I said well I have to run an errand at Pentagon City so I can waste time there and you can scoop me from there when you’re done. He agrees.

No sooner than I step foot off the escalator at Pentagon City do I get a text message from him saying, “Bad news I have to go into work.” I’m like are you serious. Now I’m hotter than the pressing comb that my momma used to straighten out my hair when I was young. I say to him this is no longer cute. He says, “It never was, but I don’t know what else to say other than I’m sorry.” He offers to come over if he gets off work at a reasonable time. I’m mad, but I accept anyway. He never showed up, but the next morning I got a text talking about how he was just getting off work and he was just going home to shower and change and go back.

Like a week later he texts me asking to email him my available off days as far as I know them. This was during the SuperBailout period of my life so I told him what my usual days are and said that it was subject to change at any moment because of my crazy work schedule. Congress always has a way of ruining my love life. I’m going to write my local Congressman and ask him to try and keep all Congressional matters to normal business hours.

Eventually things died down at my full time job and then my part time job canceled evening work “until further notice.” So I was excited that I might actually get to see him again. I told him of the changes and he said that he’d probably have time on Thursday. So I said great.

I figured I would spend the night over there so I was going to pack a bag so I’d have clothes to wear to work the next day, but I woke up late that morning and figured that he’s so flaky I better not waste any time trying to get an overnight bag together. Good thing I didn’t. I got to work and sent him a message on Gmail chat. No answer. Several hours later I send one that says, “Hey I know you’re busy but I’m just trying to see if we’re still on today.” Still nothing. At 5:30 p.m. I gave up and went home. I called and left him a message saying, “Well I guess you’re standing me up again. I mean you could have at least called and said you weren’t going to be able to make it, but then that wouldn’t be considered standing me up would it?” I paused and said goodbye.

On my way home I called New Dude and we made plans to go out instead. Around 7 p.m. as I’m getting dressed for my date The Mason finally calls and says that he didn’t intentionally stand me up and that he had been swamped at work all day. He said he guessed I was already home. I responded with a series of mmm hmmms. He didn’t even try to fake a make up date this time so I knew it was time for me to just let it go.

I guess I was just hoping that at some point he would stop disappointing me and we would get back to that fun time we had. He was perfect on paper. Single, no kids, stable job, working on his a degree, non-smoker. He seemed to be everything I've been looking for that I just wanted so badly for it to work out. That and the fact that all I had going on otherwise was a series of baby daddies, but I'll have to tell y'all the story on that another day.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Weekend In Review/Take ‘em Back Tuesday

Hey folks! Welcome back! Warning. Long post, but I have a lot to tell yall.

My weekend ended Sunday night because Congress decided to meet with some economic advisors on Monday and I was assigned to track down what came out of all that. What better way to celebrate Columbus Day (a federal holiday, that I was supposed to get off) than to work? I can think of a few that I’m gonna get with my local Congressman about.

In exchange my bosses let me take Friday off. So my weekend started Thursday night! Yay! I was actually supposed to go out with The Mason, that night, but that didn’t work out. I’ll fill yall in tomorrow on why I’m done with that bamma. I ended up getting asked out by this new dude (who I haven’t come up with a name for yet, so we’ll just call him New Dude for the sake of this post).

We went to this Thai restaurant Sala Thai. We ordered “shrimp tempura” as an appetizer which turned out to just be fried shrimp which was fine. But they threw in other fried vegetables like broccoli. Who fries broccoli? That’s some ghetto shit. Oh and it was nasty. I tried to be experimental and get some red curry shrimp but what came out was indeed red and curry flavored, but the texture resembled something pureed and I had to send that back.

By the time my replacement Pad Thai came I wasn’t even hungry so I just took a few bites and wrapped the rest up for leftovers. Score! Lunch for Friday! I hadn’t been to the grocery store in a minute so this was a good thing. After dinner he took me home and walked me to my door. I hate the end of first dates because you always have that awkward moment. Like should I hug him, kiss him, or what? We ended up hugging and finished with a small peck (no tongue!)

Friday morning I woke up and went to Ross to search for something cute to wear this weekend. It’s Howard Homecoming. I tried a few things on and I did get a cute dress. But I was so irritated with my hair that I went up to the beauty supply store in the shopping center up the street from my house and I discover that they have a salon in the back. I ask how much to rectify the crap on my head and since their price doesn’t give me a heart attack I agree. I felt bad about the $200 that I wasted on those braids, but I’m feeling plump and there’s no reason to feel fat and ugly, so the braids had to go.

They get to taking out my braids. By about ¾ way through I realize that they’ve chopped off more than just the weave and have wacked off a good two or three inches of my hair. I was hurt at first, but then I let it go thinking maybe this is the catalyst I need to really go through with going natural. Besides no one is going to see my real hair for a long time anyway.

Saturday was low key. I slept late and caught up with some TV online. Thank you Hulu! New Dude invited me over for a Blockbuster Night. Since we already had a real date I wasn’t as vehemently opposed to the idea as I normally would be. It definitely felt like more than him just trying to get some and here’s why:

A. He wasn’t just trying to bum on my couch. He picked me up (from the boonies of Silver Spring) and we went to his place in Fort Washington. That’s a lot of driving just to get a lil boo-tay. Most dudes just be trying to plop their asses on my couch before they pull the D out.
B. We actually WENT to Blockbuster. It was fun actually walking around and selecting a movie and chatting with the Blockbuster staff. We picked up Forgetting Sarah Marshall and he bought me this gigantic bag of peanut M&Ms.
C. He bought dinner. It was from this place that was pretty much an upgraded carryout, but it seemed pretty nice. I mean they had seating and a bar, but the “Paninis” that we ordered I swear were nothing more than grilled cheese sandwiches that they threw some grilled chicken on. That bread was definitely not Ciabatta.
D. He didn’t get mad when I fell asleep. I’m kind of a narcoleptic, or maybe it was just the itis from that grilled cheese with chicken sandwich, but I fell asleep during the movie. The parts I saw were really funny. I’ll try to find that online so I can watch the rest of it.
E. He got turned on while we were cuddling, but he “adjusted” and said, “It’ll pass.” That’s certainly not something you hear very much from dudes these days. I gave him some later that night off the strength of his willpower. That and the fact that I might be a bit of a horny toad.

Sunday was blah. I went grocery shopping and waged war against some fruit flies that decided to try and take up residence in my apartment. I did get these amazing purple boots that I’m going to rock this weekend.

Oh and here are some pics from that blogger meet up. Enjoy!

On to the Take ‘em Back Tuesday portion, finally. Back in June I was on this whole I’m going out on my own and I’m gonna meet me some men kick. So one Friday night I got dressed up in these shorts, stilettos and a cute shirt that put the cleavage on display and drove out to this lounge in Bethesda. I went to the bar to redeem my free drink tickets and had a martini.

As I’m sipping my drink I wanted to kick myself for placing myself between what I thought were two couples. The “couple” on my left were a young pair and the one on my right were a bit older. I looked over at a table of seemingly available men and admonish myself for not going over to that corner of the bar. But I sit tight and the older couple on the right gets their drinks and move on. Great now there’s open space for men to stroll up and opportunity to strike up conversation. No luck. The next set of bar dwellers is a group of three girls. I need them to move because they are decreasing my chances of meeting an eligible bachelor.

I glance back over to my left and I notice that the male half of that younger “couple” is eying me up. I’m like wow. That’s rude. A few moments later I glance back over and the chick is gone. He catches my eye and starts talking to me, asking if it was my first time there and what not. I’m thinking to myself, “Is this dude really gonna try to holla at me while his girl is in the bathroom?” but I’m playing polite and keep talking. He then offers up that it was his first time at the spot too and that his “friend” brought him there because she wanted to go out and didn’t want to go out alone. Then he starts complimenting me on my appearance and the fact that I’ve come out alone. He’s cute so I’m feeling all flattered right. But then he divulges that he’s 22 and has a like a two year old son. Then I’m feeling all cougarish. But I still I end up dancing with him and giving him my number. He left after a while but I stayed and met more people.

The next day Lil Daddy calls and invites me out after work. I agree and we meet up in downtown Bethesda where we met. We were gonna go to another lounge in the area. We get there and paid $20 each to get in only to discover that it was some sort of Nigerian night and they were only playing international music. So not the business. So we left. We were going to check out a movie, but we’d already missed the last show so we just walked around downtown Bethesda instead. After a while my feet started to hurt so we went back to our cars and he’s like well we could go to my spot and watch this Katt Williams special. I agree and we get in his car and head to his house.

So we get there and of course you know as soon as he popped in the DVD I was knocked out. We woke up the next day and watched Sanford and Son reruns on TV Land and cuddled up in bed. Sometime around mid-afternoon we start hearing banging on the door. He lives with a roommate so at first I thought it might have been him locked out or something. But when he doesn’t make a move to go see what’s up I start to get suspicious. The banging moves from the front door to his window and now I’m like what the hell is going on. For five minutes straight he let’s this banging go ignored. So finally I’m like aren’t you going to see what that is. He’s like yea I already know who it is. But he still doesn’t move. So I say, “Well who is it?” He casually answers, “My baby mama.” Keep in mind there’s still banging going on as we’re having this conversation. I’m like you need to handle that. He’s like I don’t feel like dealing with her today. I say to him, “You can’t just leave her standing out there. What if there’s an emergency with your son?”

Finally Lil Daddy gets up, throws on some sweats and heads out to deal with his baby mama. I can hear them yelling at each other but can’t make out exactly what they’re saying so I turn the TV up to drown out the noise. He was out there for about 40 minutes and I’m in there trying to figure out how I can get out of there before this chick goes psycho and tries to storm in the house. But considering that we’re in Gaithersburg and my car is in Bethesda I’m trapped. So I just ride it out. Eventually Lil Daddy comes back in and is visibly angry and muttering about how he didn’t want to go out there because he knew it was going to be nothing but arguing. So I ask him what they were arguing about and he’s like she wanted to drop his son off but she didn’t check with him first.

Then it hits me. It’s friggin Father’s Day! Of course she was going to try and have their son spend some time with his father on the day nationally designated for that kind of thing. Duh! He said that he was going to pick him up later, but I’m still astounded that he’s sent her away and goes back to business as usual. Lil Daddy pulls out this carryout menu and orders food for the two of us. Afterwards he takes me back to my car and I drive home thanking the Lord that things didn’t go any worse.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

101 things about me

This is probably more than you ever wanted to know about me, but read it anyway. LOL.

1. I’m 26.
2. I’m black.
3. I’m female.
4. I have five sisters and 1 brother.
5. I met three of those sisters for the first time last year.
6. None of my siblings are full blood to me.
7. None of that matters to me.
8. I’m a momma’s girl.
9. I haven’t met my bio dad even though he lives in Md.
10. He wants to meet me but I keep saying I’m not ready.
11. I don’t know if I’ll ever be.
12. I was born in Brooklyn, NY
13. I grew up in Decatur (where it’s greater) Ga.
14. I was the valedictorian of my high school.
15. It helped me get scholarships,
16. I came to the DMV to go to Howard. Go Bison!
17. The city sucked me in and I haven’t left yet.
18. I live in Silver Spring now.
19. I moved there after my roomy left me to go to law school.
20. We used to live in Largo.
21. I’m a Congressional reporter (people always seem fascinated by that), that's why I always have that random "I should consult my local Congressman" line.
22. I did ask him to approve this list.
23. I write because I’m happy, I write because I’m free. (thanks Sojourner Truth and Phyllis Wheatley!)
24. I started a novel.
25. I haven’t gotten past the prologue.
26. My favorite color is purple.
27. I love cheese.
28. I put it on almost everything.
29. It’s the reason I can’t lose weight.
30. I’m a vegetarian nine days at a time when I try to lose weight.
31. I need to start that up again.
32. I haven’t been to the gym since August.
33. My jeans can tell.
34. When I feel fat I only buy shoes, handbags, and accessories (they always work no matter what size I am.)
35. I love costume jewelry.
36. I’m a MAC girl.
37. I love old school R&B.
38. I always have random song lyrics in my head.
39. I quote them in all kinds of conversations.
40. I don’t have cable.
41. I buy DVDs instead.
42. As much money as I spend on DVDs I could have cable.
43. But I’m not home enough to watch it.
44. So I’ll just get those digital TV converter boxes.
45. I need two of them.
46. I’m waiting on my coupons from the government to buy them.
47. They will save me $40 per box.
48. I like saving money on things.
49. I have a hard time saving actual money.
50. I need to be better at that in this economy.
51. I wonder if anything is left in my 401K?
52. Doesn’t matter, I’m riding it out like Suzie Orman says.
53. I’m young I have time to regroup.
54. My favorite movie is When Harry Met Sally.
55. I’m such a sucker for romantic comedies.
56. They make me cry every time.
57. I cried the other morning watching a segment on Good Morning America of Robin Roberts’ breast cancer when Diane Sawyer brought her Popeyes on the last day of her treatment.
58. I love Popeyes—but I’ll only get the spicy kind.
59. It’s hard for me to choose between the red beans and rice and fries.
60. It normally takes me like 20 minutes to pick something off a restaurant menu no matter how many times I’ve been there.
61. When I’m at home and I can’t decide what to eat I don’t.
62. I like to cook.
63. I make a great sweet potato pie.
64. My mac and cheese is off the hook.
65. I make it from scratch, no Kraft box shit in my house.
66. I actually live in an apartment.
67. My rent goes up next month. FUCKERS.
68. Most men in my life fall in the FUCKER category.
69. That’s why I started my Random Negro Stories File.
70. I can’t wait to meet the man that doesn’t warrant one of those blog entries.
71. I’mma jump for joy.
72. I often jump too quickly.
73. When I meet a new guy that I like I start thinking of our “how we met story” for that B.I.O. column in the Washington Post Express.
74. I love that column.
75. It used to be the highlight of my Fridays.
76. I’d eagerly grab one from the Express men at the Metro.
77. But I hate holding the paper after I’m done with it so I don’t pick it up anymore.
78. I also like that Wash Post column Date Lab. (HE-LAR-EEE-US stuff)
79. I’m addicted to blogs.
80. I like looking at photos of myself.
81. I get a new weave about once a month.
82. I have microbraids at the moment.
83. I don’t know why I got them because I don’t like them.
84. I’m deathly afraid of pigeons.
85. I’m scared they're gonna shat on my head.
86. I don’t like animals in general.
87. My boss at my PT gig adopted a monkey for me.
88. I’ve recently grown fond of Moscato.
89. I mix it with ginger ale for a wine spritzer.
90. Yes I know that’s ghetto.
91. No I don’t care.
92. I mix most of my alcoholic drinks with ginger ale.
93. My favorite though is a bonecrusher.
94. When bars don’t have bonecrushers I get a zombie.
95. I ended up in the drunk tank at Love after too many blue muthafuckas.
96. I’m sort of a belligerent drunk.
97. I talk mad shit.
98. I’m pretty sure I can’t back it up.
99. I’m only 5’2.
100. I weigh…
101. Hahaaha you didn’t really think I was gonna put that on the Internet did you?

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Take ‘em Back Tuesdays: Umm 'scuse Me But Where's My Lube?

Hey guys, I introduce to you today new series that I hope I can keep up. Take ‘em Back Tuesdays. These will be old stories that deserve to be in the Random Negro Stories File but somehow (probably because I was too lazy) didn’t end up on my blog. On to today's story.

Some time after the Christmas holidays last year I was talking to this guy. So we’re at my house and get to messing around and dude pulls out some lubricant. The bottle is unmarked, but he recently moved back home with his parents and assured me that it was Durex. He said that he took the label off so his nosy mother wouldn't find it and be all up in his business about what it was and why he needs it.

So he lathers the condom up and we go start to go to town. I start smelling something medicated. I'm like is that MINT? At this point my pu is starting to tingle more than a little, bit and it's mad uncomfortable. Thoughts flash across my mind about a friend of mine, who was messing around with some dude that was eating her out with a listerine strip in his mouth and almost burnt her damn clit off. So I'm like no not me. I never hopped of a D faster in my life. I need to write my local Congressman and try to get that stuff banned. Anyway I go to my personal stash, get my regular KY and make him change the condom and all that. All is good with the world or so it seems.

We lay around in bed, and talk and laugh and joke and everything. Later that afternoon he's getting ready to go but stops to use the bathroom. I start straightening up my room cuz sheets and pillows and stuff are everywhere. Then I notice it. His MINTY ass lube is still sitting on my dresser, but my KY has gone missing. I look all over, under the bed, in the sheets, every crack or crevice it might have fallen into. No luck.

So ListerLube (yea that’s what we’ll call him) comes out the bathroom. I'm like hey, did you see where my lube went? He gets on hands and knees pretending (I gather later) to look for it. Jokingly I say, I don't have to pat you down do I? He says no, but in a shifty sort of way that makes me really do it. So as he stands in front of me I go through his pockets and lo and behold I find my lube. I can't friggin believe it. I'm like dude you were really gonna steal from me? He was like its not stealing, its an even exchange, gesturing towards his unmarked ass bottle still on my dresser. I grab it, thrust it at him and say take this to whatever bitch you're gonna be fucking because it ain't gonna be me. Then I tell him to get the fuck out of my house.

He leaves, and I'm still stunned, that this negro would stoop so low as to steal a $5 bottle of lube. Are you effin kidding me? Who does that? Yall tell me he was crazy and that normal people really wouldn't do such a thing.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Weekend in Review

I never do weekend wrap-ups. Hell most times I feel like I have to update y'all on months worth of the random stories of my life. But in an effort to blog more often here goes.

Friday I was so excited to be off Bailout Watch 2008 I celebrated by spending way too much money at Ross. Oh well. I needed fall/winter clothes. I ordered Papa Johns and sat on my couch and drank wine coolers. Nice and ghetto. But I was on chill mode because I had to return to my part time job in the morning.

Saturday after work I went to a blogger meet up. It's cool but weird to finally meet people that know all about you and you know all about them but you've never laid eyes on each other. I worried going in if people were going to think I was as cool as my blog, but I got over that. Everyone (SuperDave, Sista Socialite, E2Deep, 1/3, Brran1, Kayellejay and Leon) was real chill. I wanna hang out again. But next time I gotta get a better seat so I don't have to have SuperDave translate for me all night. I couldn't hear ish. At one point Leon was telling a story about "his Force"and I swore he was talking about a horse coming out of his body. *stomp, stomp. Alma! Check your battery* I was going to post pics but blogger is acting stupid.

I spent the rest of my Saturday night and most of Sunday dodging a booty call. A dude I messed with eons ago (let's call him TSX--cuz that's what he drives) had hit me up on Friday talking about if I "got free" this weekend to hit him up. Long after we stopped messing around we remained lunch buddies and would chat on work email from time to time. So I'm thinking cool we can hang out. But of course he had a different type hang out in mind. So we're texting back and forth laughing at the Palin-Biden skit on SNL and then he's like what you up to for the rest of the night. I'm like nothing I'm chillin' what about you? He's texts back "oral pleasure." So I'm like wow. It's not everyday I get chomp offered up over text so I'm all excited. Who can turn that down? Come to find out this bamma was talking about him. I instantly got turned off. He may as well have typed "lemme put my dick in your mouth." And that's so not appropriate for someone you're just getting back in touch with. I mean damn. It’s one thing to offer up your services, but isn’t it a little presumptuous to ask for someone else’s? I’m just saying. I'm going to consult my local Congressman on the rules for asking for head. I'm sure he can provide a viable ruling.

Anyway I quit texting back. Sunday morning he sent me another text asking why I stopped texting back. I told him I fell asleep. Which was true. He kept asking what was up for that day and I was like well I have something to do and he was like well how about later on. How you gonna be pressed for some head?

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Random Negro Stories File: The Re-Holla

Dudes. I’m really going to need for you to keep up with who you try to holla at on the Internet and the stories you tell them because I’m real tired of being the victim of the re-holla. No not the kind where you holla I shoot you down and you try again. I’m talking about the kind where you holla I shoot you down and you try again—as if the you had never even tried to holla in the first place.

I realize that I change my weave quite often and that I have a somewhat changing face, but I don’t look that damn different. Still, all the information on my profiles on all the sites I’m on are the same. So READ before you holla—or try to re-holla.

Why am I on this soapbox today you ask? Well I’ve been writing this blog for a few weeks actually. (Sorry for the hiatus guys I’ve been stuck in this legislative nightmare I’m calling Bailout Watch 2008.) My initial entry was inspired by this dude that hit me with this note on Myspace:

Subject: Loving everything that you are...
Body: Hey Beautiful,

just trying to see how I can take you off of the single list...LOL I love your page and hope that maybe I can get to know you better. Maybe get to see that smile of yours up close.

How sweet. Not. Well it would have been cute, if only he hadn’t sent a similar message oh let’s say a year and a half ago. I still have his number from the first time he hit me up. I should have sent him a text saying hey just got your message on Myspace. That would have freaked him out. But I just sent him a note asking how this would be different from the last time that he tried to holla. I saw that he read the note, but declined to respond.


But now I’m updating this because in the span of the three weeks or so that I’ve been writing this blog I’ve been the victim of a carbon copy reholla twice.

I signed up for this free online dating site (Thanks Young Woman) and I’m going through my messages and I recognize the pic from this dude that tried to holla at me on Myspace, in like early August. So I’m already irritated because dude, let’s call him AlphaMan, first invited me out to get drinks but when I declined because of a prior engagement he downgraded the next invitation to watching DVDs at his house, which I declined. I’ll stay off my soapbox for now about how that is not a date. So I’m like what does this bamma want?

So I click on the message and I start reading. I’ve copied and pasted it below for your reading pleasure:

smiles at her*
Sooooo.... how is your Tuesday coming along so far? As for me, my day is fairing along pretty swell. Now how I started it, is a good thing to me. *grinnin* Let's see, how should I put this? Let's just say my jump off started by getting up around 4:00 this morning to run my gruesome/challenging 3.00 miles in about 19 mins that's on the treadmill at between 9.0 & 9.5. But outside I may run it in about 22 mins.

*licks his tongue out at her* But you know what, I actually just returned back here to Maryland from a 3 month hiatus in Gulfport, Mississippi Had to go there from Iraq to demobilize from an 8 month tour of duty in Iraq. Now I'm finally back. Thank Jesus. YEEEEESSS....

Let's see what else can I share with you? Okay, my name is AlphaMan *as he extends his right hand out to shake hers* Currently I reside in the Metro DC arena (Cheverly, MD). I'm originally from Arkansas after completing college(University Of Arkansas At Pine Bluff) where I majored in Computer Science and currently work with a company in Virginia as a IT/Software Consultant. Out of college I completed a 5 years in Germany in the Army, got tired of it and got out.

Hmmm... what else, oh I love working out (as I've made known above right) *LHBO* I'm about 6'1 and 194 pounds. I mean don't get intimidated or scurd, just because I do all of this (FOR ME) doesn't mean you have to.*LOL* Just take care of yourself is all I ask. Meaning at least eat right sometimes and some have sort of workout regime. *smilin* Have I turned you off now? I'm not trying to, just being honest.

Okay, I'll stop here. I mean if nothing else I make a heckuva friend. *winks at her

Half way through the first paragraph I’m like wait not only is this bamma acting like I’m a brand new chick but he’s gonna use the same message exact he sent the first time to do it? Oh hell naw. Wait. Let me be clear and fair. It wasn’t the same exact message. AlphaMan had taken the time to customize the day in the introduction. How considerate.

So I wrote him back saying, “You know. I thought this was cute the first time you sent it to me on Myspace. But now I'm mad that I fell for your cut and paste antics.”

He writes back offering up this lame excuse:

Naaaaaaaaah..... it's not like that. I just remembered you and didn't want to re-type what I sent to you before. I only added that I just got back from Iraq about 8 days ago now. Was gone for 14 months. Go check the pics out on my page at and my screen name is ******.

Call me please IF you don't mind. If not, I respect that.

I call bullshit. If you really remembered me you would have typed a long time to speak type message. Not an introduction all over again. And to add insult to injury you’re going to lie about your whereabouts? Oh you just got back from Iraq? So how is it that you were asking me out in August?

Noooooooo... I was sending you messages from Gulfport, Mississippi. Listen I have no reason to lie nor to explain myself. I hate the internet. I'm attempting to be honest with you. I will say this, we flew in from Iraq in May back here to the U.S We flew in to New Orleans Airport and was transported to the Naval Base in Gulfport where we were demobilizing from May til August.

Now take that and believe it or not. Your choice.

Take Care.

I declined to respond. Just when I thought I was through with this bamma, I log into my account today and get yet another message from this dude. I.Kid.You.Not. Here it is in its redundant glory:

*smiles at her & gives her a slight wink for her sexiness & Class*
*as he leans back into his chair, knowing he has Swaggah going on, to match her sexiness & class* *grinnin*

Sooooo.... how is your Wednesday *HUMPDAY) coming along thus far as they call it? *grinnin* Tell you what, my day is swinging along pretty. Let's see, how should I put this, well before I got my morning started I was up around 4:00 a.m this morning to run my gruesome/challenging 3.00 miles in about 19 mins that's on the treadmill at between 9.0 & 9.5. But outside I may run it in about 25 mins & then get to the gym to personal train my clients.

*licks his tongue out at her* But you know what, I actually just returned back here to Maryland from a 3 month hiatus in Gulfport, Mississippi Had to go there from Iraq to demobilize from an 8 month tour of duty in Iraq. Now I'm finally back. Thank Jesus. YEEEEESSS....

Let's see what else can I share with you? Okay, my name is AlphaMant. *as he extends his right hand out to shake hers* Currently I reside in the Metro DC arena (Cheverly, MD). I'm originally from Arkansas after completing college(University Of Arkansas At Pine Bluff) where I majored in Computer Science and currently work with a company in Virginia as a IT/Software Consultant. Out of college I completed a 5 years in Germany in the Army, got tired of it and got out.

Hmmm... what else, oh I love working out. I'm about 6'1 and 198 pounds. I mean don't get intimidated or scurd, just because I do all of this (FOR ME) doesn't mean you have to.*LOL* Just take care of yourself is all I ask. Meaning at least eat right sometimes and some have sort of workout regime. *smilin* Have I turned you off now? I'm not trying to, just being honest.

Okay, I'll stop here. I mean if nothing else I make a heckuva friend. *winks at her*

Your New Friend,

I’m starting to take this personally. Am I so unmemorable that this dude actually thinks that I’m a new person, or is he just a geriatric (he’s 38 by the way) with a bad case of Alzheimer’s? Hopefully my local Congressman will vote for the mental health parity legislation that they are attaching to the Wall Street Bailout bill because typing the same message over and over again to different girls is one thing, but typing the same message over and over to one girl is a bit much. What in the frick!

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Just the Little Games That We Play

I’m reading a book called, “How to Love a Black Man.” It’s written by a black man so I figured it must be good because who would know better how to love a black man than a black man.

So I’m all excited about the book. I’ve diagnosed what type of love substitute I most exhibit and have delved into how to combat it. I come to a chapter in the book titled, “Avoid All Game-Playing and Hidden Agendas.” It’s all about how sexual games, money games and power games are all bad and how you should just be upfront with your man. Ok. I can respect that.

Not even two chapters later the author tells me “Never Be Too Easy to Get.” What? Didn’t you just tell me not to play games? Now I’m confused. According to the latter chapter I should, “Gladly pick up the phone—but not on the first ring,” “Say yes to invitations—but not all of them,” “Speak freely—but don’t share every thought in your head.”

I get that he’s trying to help me not present myself to a man as desperate, but I still don’t understand how those actions do not constitute the power games he was just advising me not to play? Isn’t it all just a ploy to get the man to want me more because people always want what they can’t have? Wouldn’t that indeed make it a power game?

I’ve never been good at these kinds of things. If a guy I’m interested in calls and wants to go out with me why would I not accept his invitation? I mean I’m not going to go around canceling plans just to go out with some guy, but if I had nothing planned but sitting at home on my couch to watch DVDs am I really supposed to turn down his invite, knowing I really want to go, just to prove some point? Why does this make sense? The only thing this does is have me sitting on my couch eating Turkey Hill Party Cake Ice Cream hoping that whoever he called next that had the good sense to accept his invitation doesn’t ruin my chance at being with this man.

Male readers: step out from the shadows and comment on this blog because I’m genuinely confused. Don’t make me have to call my local Congressman to institute a draft for this!

Monday, August 25, 2008

The Date That Went Well

I finally have something positive to blog about concerning a man. So I figured I better write this blog while I still have something good to say about him. LOL.

I had a really nice date on Friday. Gasp.

One of my eHarmony/Myspace searches came up fruitful. I messaged him told him why I was contacting him via Myspace rather than eHarmony. It helped that he had initiated contact on eHarmony, so I knew he was at least somewhat interested in me. He took my outreach (which some of you may think of as stalking) in stride, said he thought I was cute and was interested in getting to know me. Yay!

A little about this guy: he’s 27, a Mason (so we’ll call him The Mason), and went to a technical school in upstate N.Y. and works in IT. No kids, non-smoker, social drinker.

So we chit chat, message each other and are seemingly getting along well. This goes on for about a week. So one day I send him a message with the subject line “Congratulations The Mason, you are the winner of a brand new...” and the message said, “message from me. LOL. How are you doing?”

He wrote back, “Man, and I was hoping for a brand new...big wet kiss.”

I write back, “Hmmm, how will you ever win that if you don't ever ask me out?”

That's right I went for it. I mean if eHarmony thinks we're a match and we're having good myspace conversations then why aren't we getting this show on the road?

He says he does really want to see me but that his schedule is pretty much devoid of free time at the moment. He asks what my schedule is like and after a little back and forth we agree to meet up on Friday to go bowling. He said he had some meeting that he had to go to so 10 o’clock is the earliest we can meet up. I agree because I’m really interested in meeting this guy.

However our agreed upon time leaves me with a big gap of time to fill since I decide I’m not going to trek all the way home and have to fight to make it back out to D.C. So I head to Pentagon City to Zales to get a necklace I got for Christmas fixed. I walked all around Pentagon City, ended up at the Marshalls and Borders across the street from the mall, but time is being cruel. It seems like the clock is ticking backwards. So I ended up taking Super Dave’s suggestion to go see The Dark Knight. It was outstanding! I was never so glad to be in a two and a half hour movie.

Sidebar: I know I’m hella late and this may sound crazy, but those of you who regularly read this blog should come to expect this kind of thing from me. I think it’s a good thing that Heath Ledger died after his role as the Joker. He was way too convincing. Like I had a hard time remembering that there was a real man under all that makeup. I have no idea how he was going to acclimate himself back to the real world. So RIP Heath. You were amazing.

But back to my original story. It’s quarter to 10 and The Mason texts me that he’s on the way. Yay. About 20 minutes later he says he’s looking for parking and by quarter to 11, we’re face to face.

We get to Lucky Strike and they tell us the wait for lanes is an hour and a half. No dice. He asks me if I’ve eaten. I tell him how I’ve done everything in the world waiting for this date to start but eat, so we end up going to Friday’s. We had good chemistry. No real awkward silences and we kept each other laughing with various commentary on randomness and dating stories. Y’all know I have plenty.

We finish up our meal and then head to another bowling alley. It’s closed. At this point it’s a little after midnight so our options for continuing the night are pretty limited. I suggest going to a lounge or something and he says ok, but we can’t decide which one is good on Friday nights or if it’s worth going so late. So we’re driving by the National Mall and I suggest walking around the Washington Monument and scaring white people. He says he’s all about it. Insert awwwww here.

So we park and start walking up and a white guy and girl are passing us by on bike. I say boo in their direction in a kinda low voice, but dude doesn’t back me up. So I nudge him and he’s like what. I’m like you didn’t back me up. I thought we were here to scare white people. He’s like aww my bad, you caught me off guard. We walk over to the benches surrounding the monument, sit and talk and instead of scaring white people we make up stories about them.

It’s a really fun game. I’m going to start watching C-Span with the TV on mute (sans closed caption) and make up what my local Congressman is saying. It’ll probably be better than what he’s actually saying.

Anyway at the Monument, there was this one lady had this huge camera and was taking pics of the bottom bricks, so we dubbed her an archaeologist and said that she was going to take the evidence back to her lab and announce some discovery at a press conference next week. LOL.

We stayed there for a while, but then he had to use the bathroom, so we left and he took me home. On the way he kept looking at me and said with some what of an amazed voice “Your face is so clear.” I was like thank you I work hard on that.

Anyway we get to my house and I let him use the bathroom. We stood at my door for a minute and he had that same look on his face as he did in the car, so I ask him what he's thinking. So he says I'm thinking about how I have really attractive lips and how you're not supposed to kiss on the first date. I say to him, “Who said that.” Then he leans in and kisses me and it was really nice. He left and I hopped in bed.

A few minutes later I get a text from him saying, “It was tough leaving.” I let that go unanswered. The next day I woke up and saw he had sent another text like 30 minutes later, saying he was curious to know if he could have stayed. I responded later in the day saying I don’t think that would have been a good idea. He asked why and I said I’ve been down that road and I don't like where it leads. He said he didn't want sex, but he was just enjoying my company and didn't want to leave...hmmm...I don’t doubt that he really enjoyed my company, but I didn't trust myself to not let things go down so he had to go. We’ve texted since then and are trying to figure out when to go out next. Yay!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008


I think this man tried to kidnap me.

We were exchanging messages on Myspace. He said he was off work today and wanted to "bring me lunch." Really? Bring me lunch? That should have been my first clue that he was crazy. I'm not trusting no man to bring me anything to eat that I didn't see where it came from.

We exchanged numbers and I suggested we meet at 12:30, but he signed off before I really confirmed that he was actually coming. So I went to lunch with Super Dave. Y'all know since Iraq I have issues with believing people are actually going to show up. But as luck would have it as I'm sitting and eating and chatting I get a 12:45.

"I'm here" it says. Shit! This bamma really showed up. I tell Super Dave sorry for having to eat and run, but it would be rude to not show up. So I text him tell him I was running late but was on my way.

I call him. He greets me with a French accent. Damn, should have figured that from his name. I'm not a fan of the ESOLs (English to Speakers of Other Languages).

I should have stayed at the Billy Goat Tavern.

Still I tell Frenchie where I am and he says he drove, but couldn't find a parking space. Finally (after much deciphering of his accent...see why I don't mess with the ESOLs.) I figure out that he's near the taxi stand outside of Union Station. He pulls up to me and I'm like well what are you going to do with your car. He's like I don't know and then is like get in.

*Eff what Rhianna said. Please stop the music. Hold up wait a minute. Don't stop. Get it get it* Did this bamma just ask me to get in his car? I must be tripping because I know this bamma did not just ask me to get in his car.

He looks at me for the answer, and I look back at him like he's crazy and tell him I'm not getting in his car. He's like he understands but can't find parking so he leaves.

I walk away stunned that he really thought I was just gonna hop in his car. I'm not trying to end up like the victim of some America's Most Wanted episode. You should be able to do background checks on Myspace. I need to call my local Congressman about that.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Pay to Play

I did some cyber stalking this weekend. Yea I know I talked about chick who cyber stalked Friendship and Fun through me, sue me. I never said I was above cyber stalking. I just don't go as far as contacting women I suspect are involved with a man I'm dealing with. I go directly to the source.

Anyway. My cyber stalking this weekend wasn't about trying to find out what someone was up to, but just to find someone. I quasi signed up for eHarmony (read: I made a profile, uploaded a photo, but couldn't bring myself to fork over the cash for the service). Well anyway I guess in hopes of getting me to part with my money they send me my matches. I can read all about them, but can't see their photos or communicate with them.

So I pulled out my cyber stalking/reporting tools. Myspace to the rescue! I tracked down this one guy looking up his first name, age, and location listed on eHarmony on Myspace. Comparing the personal information from the site, I pinpointed the guy, looked at his pics and decided he was cute. I sent him a message on Myspace explaining that I figured out he was my match, but I don't pay for the service so I thought I'd contact him this way. Besides eHarmony says we're a match, and he started the communication process with me, so I thought it was worth the risk. Then I realized something, dude's last log in on Myspace was in March of 2007. The potential love of my life was not likely to get this message anytime soon, if ever. What was I to do?

A closer look at his Myspace page yielded me his last name and a Facebook search granted information! People leave themselves wide open to this kind of stuff. I debated sending him an email, but thought it would look crazy to get an email from someone that shouldn't have your contact information. I mean sending a Myspace note is one thing, but an email? I'd be freaked out to get an email from someone who's not supposed have my email address. I called one of my male advisors. He doesn't answer. I reach out to another. He confirms that it is indeed crazy to send an email. I settle for adding him as a buddy on yahoo messenger, completely forgetting that yahoo alerts you that someone is trying to save you as a friend. SHIT! Five minutes later I get an instant message.

eHarmonyguy: hello
me: hi
me: i'm CocaColaCutie* your match on eHarmony.
eHarmonyguy: oh hey
insert his delayed reaction to realizing that I shouldn't have been able to "contact" him
eHarmonyguy: how did you know my messenger name?
insert my feelings of shame and awkward silence
me: long story
eHarmonyguy: indulge me
me: i hope you take this as flattery...

So I recounted how I had searched him and found him. He says that he's flattered and we continue the conversation. So we're chit chatting about what we're up to for the day. I should mention that in the midst of our conversation I kept getting disconnected from yahoo messenger. So he's like, you're having issues over there I guess that means you'll just have to come over. Damn it not another one of those guys. So I say "by come over you mean meet in a neutral place right." He replies, "if you need to." Then he informs that he's not looking for anything serious.

Then why the Fuck are you on eHarmony? GRRRRRRR. Why would you pay for a service (and I know he paid because he could communicate with me I just couldn't communicate back) that promises to "deliver matches that have the foundation of compatibility necessary for a lifetime of joy," if you are not, as he said, "looking for anything serious?" Why not troll for hoes for free on Myspace like most guys "not looking for anything serious"? Why infect the atmosphere at eHarmony, creating false hope? Boo to that guy. I wish there was some way I could get my local Congressman to regulate that, but I suppose that's more of a moral issue.

I just said thank you for letting me know and closed the match. Now I really don't have the motivation to give eHarmony my money. Not if that's what I'm going to be exposed to. I can get that for free.

*names have been changed to protect those involved, so what if it's just me.