Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Take ‘em Back Tuesdays: Umm 'scuse Me But Where's My Lube?

Hey guys, I introduce to you today new series that I hope I can keep up. Take ‘em Back Tuesdays. These will be old stories that deserve to be in the Random Negro Stories File but somehow (probably because I was too lazy) didn’t end up on my blog. On to today's story.

Some time after the Christmas holidays last year I was talking to this guy. So we’re at my house and get to messing around and dude pulls out some lubricant. The bottle is unmarked, but he recently moved back home with his parents and assured me that it was Durex. He said that he took the label off so his nosy mother wouldn't find it and be all up in his business about what it was and why he needs it.

So he lathers the condom up and we go start to go to town. I start smelling something medicated. I'm like is that MINT? At this point my pu is starting to tingle more than a little, bit and it's mad uncomfortable. Thoughts flash across my mind about a friend of mine, who was messing around with some dude that was eating her out with a listerine strip in his mouth and almost burnt her damn clit off. So I'm like no not me. I never hopped of a D faster in my life. I need to write my local Congressman and try to get that stuff banned. Anyway I go to my personal stash, get my regular KY and make him change the condom and all that. All is good with the world or so it seems.

We lay around in bed, and talk and laugh and joke and everything. Later that afternoon he's getting ready to go but stops to use the bathroom. I start straightening up my room cuz sheets and pillows and stuff are everywhere. Then I notice it. His MINTY ass lube is still sitting on my dresser, but my KY has gone missing. I look all over, under the bed, in the sheets, every crack or crevice it might have fallen into. No luck.

So ListerLube (yea that’s what we’ll call him) comes out the bathroom. I'm like hey, did you see where my lube went? He gets on hands and knees pretending (I gather later) to look for it. Jokingly I say, I don't have to pat you down do I? He says no, but in a shifty sort of way that makes me really do it. So as he stands in front of me I go through his pockets and lo and behold I find my lube. I can't friggin believe it. I'm like dude you were really gonna steal from me? He was like its not stealing, its an even exchange, gesturing towards his unmarked ass bottle still on my dresser. I grab it, thrust it at him and say take this to whatever bitch you're gonna be fucking because it ain't gonna be me. Then I tell him to get the fuck out of my house.

He leaves, and I'm still stunned, that this negro would stoop so low as to steal a $5 bottle of lube. Are you effin kidding me? Who does that? Yall tell me he was crazy and that normal people really wouldn't do such a thing.

10 comments:

kayellejaye said...

WTF?!

I can't stand that heat 'em up stuff either. It starts off nice then gets real wrong, real fast.

Ceecee said...

Oh hell naw...getCHO triflin ass outta here...that is so triflin! Damn...ever heard of walgreens...hell- dollar general- family dollar...go getcha own!

E2Deep said...

Thats too funny he tried to steal your lube...I'm not gonna lie, I've tried the mint thing and all HELL broke loose. She thought it would feel nice herself, but she started saying it was burning lol...That ruined the mood!

Young woman on a journey said...

LMAO. Hell to the No!

G. Mo said...

forget about the attempted robbery... I'm scratching my head tryna figure out what grown azz man uses mint scented lube... I'm not saying flavored oils aren't cool to use, but I'm thinkin' cherry, grape or a flavor that comes in a pack of Now & Laters... *shrugs*

Sha Boogie said...

LMAO!! What? Gurl, bye! He did not *snicker* that is a mess...

Dave Van Buren said...

This by far my favorite random negro story. Dude is a hero to me... lol

CocaColaCutie said...

@ kayellejaye- yes it gets real wrong real fast

@kenya- lmao. that the most trife thing i've ever experienced in life

@e2deep- i can recover from a botched lubal experiment, but the mood was official dead when i realized he was a two bit thief

@young woman- my sentiments exactly

@g.mo- maybe it reminded him of the grandma candy you know the blue circle kind...but that would make it a whole different issue

@shaboogie- he did and i said bye

@superdave- do not try this at home

Muhammad said...

Okay... When you told me this stomach I was laughing...but seeing it in writing is even funnier!!!!! OMG! LOL! Note to self.... Never use listerine strips when going "downtown"

**Insert SWV song "Downtown" here**

ListenToLeon.net said...

Thats just sad...lol. I don't know what's worse:

the fact that you had to put him on to normal people lube instead of whatever minty-fresh bullshit he pulled out before...

...or the fact that the jackass tried to steal it from you! He could have stopped by Target on the way to the next chick's house. He didn't have to take yours! LOL