Monday, April 21, 2008

I Hate: You So Much Right Now

I hope I don’t offend my male readers too much with this post, but really your gender is frustrating the hell out of me!!!

I feel like the comedian in this video right about now!

I’m fucking tired of MEN coming at me on some bullshit. For example:

1. I’M NOT FUCKING SLOPPY ASS SECONDS! Look I realize that people have their preferences, but I do not appreciate you talking to my “standard of beauty” friend and then once she turns your bama ass down, then you try to be all up in my face. And why the fuck do you look surprised that I would stand up for myself and reject you? Get ghost NIGGA!
2. I’M NOT A FUCKING HOE! Stop asking my ass when you can come through on some DVD night foolishness. That is not a date. I don’t care what you say. I’m worth way more than you even deserve. I don’t know why I even lowered myself to your level in the first place.
3. I CAN SEE THROUGH YOUR FUCKING EXCUSES! So you thought I wouldn’t figure out that you saying you have to wash your hair and work ALL weekend was code for I don’t really want to see you. That’s some girl ass shit to do. I don’t care how long your hair is. Man up and say no I don’t really feel like hanging.

I feel like slapping and cussing folks out. If you’ve got man parts and you see me on the street—watch the fuck out. Not even my local congressman can help with this one.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Random Negro Stories File: Code Cracking

Hey y'all...long time no post. I know I know. But when I come back its always worth the wait. Right?!? Come on don't be like that. Anyway, it’s time for another installment of the Random Negro Stories File. This one is in honor of one of my favorite comedian/radio personalities Steve Harvey. Listening to him and Shirley Strawberry dissect and respond to the crazy stuff people write in about makes my hour commute to work bearable. Steve is KING code cracker. You know what? I wonder if I can get my local Congressman to help me get funding for more code cracking counselors to spread the word. I should look into setting up a non-profit for it.

Anyway, I feel like I've been listening long enough to try my hand at “code cracking” as Mr. Harvey so eloquently puts it and thought I’d apply some of what I’ve learned to the foolishness I get approached with.

On to the code cracking!

Just The Seven Of Us?
So this guy hits me up on myspace talking about how my page caught his attention. His pic is nice enough and he did give me a compliment so I responded. After a few exchanges he drops the bomb on me. He tells me he has three kids, two baby momma’s. Two of his sons are out of state and his lil girl is with her mom in the area. I mean three’s company, but why would I knowingly put myself in a situation like that. That there is an episode of Jerry Springer in the making.

What he said: I am not looking, but if a good woman comes along, I am not a fool.
What he meant: I want to fuck you, nothing else.

What he said: I must say I am impressed with you so far.
What he meant: I want to fuck you, your body is nice!

What he said: I get emotional with the woman I am with, and if she captures my brain as well as my heart, I am a self-sacrificing type of man.
What he meant: If you give me head and it’s good I’ll give you some too.

No, Thank YOU!
This guy I was “seeing” (read fucking) gives me this card one day. At first it starts out all sweet, thanking me for a favor I did for him. I’m all like awww, but I keep reading and…

What he said: Looking forward to many more days of friendship and fun.
What he meant: If you let me, I’ll hit it till I can’t no more.

I had to consult a few friends and mull over that one for a few days because before the card, he was treating me like more then a JO. Lots of “good morning beautiful..” and “I miss you” texts. But shortly after an impromptu rendez-vous, he let me know in no uncertain terms that he’s not interested in developing a relationship with me—because he’s…are you ready for it….“focusing on other stuff.”

I’m New, Let’s Screw
Another myspacer trolls past my page and tells me that he finds me very attractive and that he wants to see if we can be “friends.” Now normally I have a no new “friend” policy but to humor myself, I asked him what his definition of it is and…

What he said: Someone I can hang with from time to time and have fun with see I’m new around here and I don’t know anybody.
What he meant: I want to get in your bed cuz I ain’t had none in a while.

Are you noticing a pattern here? My male readers am I on the right track? How’d I do on my code cracking?