Random Negro Stories File: C-O-N-spiracy

You ever you talk to someone you haven’t talked to in a while and you think to yourself, man I’m glad things worked out the way they did?

I JUST had one of those moments, with a Random Negro. (Were you really expecting it to be anyone else?)

Let’s call him Conspiracy Theory. We met sometime around last winter, maybe around February or so. We had one date. I remember we met up somewhere downtown DC and he was late as hell. I chewed him out about it and he was like we don’t have to do this but I really want to because you’re cute.

I melted. I should have reactivated the icebox where my heart used to be.

He spent most of the time talking about his ex and that 2012 doomsday/conspiracy theory stuff. At the time I’d never heard of it and I just thought he was cuckoo for cocoa puffs. I’m still not buying it. Maybe I’ll ask my local congressman to start a task force to edumacate me.

Anyway I’m taking entirely too long to get to the point. He contacted me on yahoo messenger, asked how I’ve been, yada yada yada. I told him I moved to Baltimore and am in a relationship now. He congratulated me and then told me that love wasn’t for him.

I asked why and he said that he just got played recently and ended up in the hospital. Apparently he was seeing this girl and her baby daddy came after him with a pipe. He retaliated with a machete and was actually bragging about getting off scott-free.

This would be the point where I said a silent “thank the Lord” for things having worked out the way they did.

Looking back I remember being disappointed that we never had a second date. When we met I was in the middle of transitioning and after our date I cut my hair off in the spring. I told him about it and sent him a pic and never heard from him after that. Well that’s not entirely true, he did tell me that I should have known what I was doing when I decided to chop all my hair off. Then I didn’t hear from him again.

Until now. He wrapped up the convo telling me to be careful dealing with Baltimore dudes and to—get this—“live long and prosper.” Who says that?