Random Negro Stories File: C-O-N-spiracy

You ever you talk to someone you haven’t talked to in a while and you think to yourself, man I’m glad things worked out the way they did?

I JUST had one of those moments, with a Random Negro. (Were you really expecting it to be anyone else?)

Let’s call him Conspiracy Theory. We met sometime around last winter, maybe around February or so. We had one date. I remember we met up somewhere downtown DC and he was late as hell. I chewed him out about it and he was like we don’t have to do this but I really want to because you’re cute.

I melted. I should have reactivated the icebox where my heart used to be.

He spent most of the time talking about his ex and that 2012 doomsday/conspiracy theory stuff. At the time I’d never heard of it and I just thought he was cuckoo for cocoa puffs. I’m still not buying it. Maybe I’ll ask my local congressman to start a task force to edumacate me.

Anyway I’m taking entirely too long to get to the point. He contacted me on yahoo messenger, asked how I’ve been, yada yada yada. I told him I moved to Baltimore and am in a relationship now. He congratulated me and then told me that love wasn’t for him.

I asked why and he said that he just got played recently and ended up in the hospital. Apparently he was seeing this girl and her baby daddy came after him with a pipe. He retaliated with a machete and was actually bragging about getting off scott-free.

This would be the point where I said a silent “thank the Lord” for things having worked out the way they did.

Looking back I remember being disappointed that we never had a second date. When we met I was in the middle of transitioning and after our date I cut my hair off in the spring. I told him about it and sent him a pic and never heard from him after that. Well that’s not entirely true, he did tell me that I should have known what I was doing when I decided to chop all my hair off. Then I didn’t hear from him again.

Until now. He wrapped up the convo telling me to be careful dealing with Baltimore dudes and to—get this—“live long and prosper.” Who says that?

Take ‘Em Back Tuesday: Find My Family

Last night I got sucked in to watching ABC’s Find My Family, because some damn Carrie Underwood Fox All-Star Holiday Special bumped Lie to Me off the line up. Ugh I need to get my local Congressman to sanction Fox for it’s poor scheduling decisions.

Anyway, Find My Family chronicles the reuniting of adopted children with their birth families. Now I'm not adopted, but I do have three “new” siblings I discovered a few years ago. The show got me to thinking about how I found my family, or should I say how my family found me.

Oddly enough the story starts out much like a Random Negro tale would—with a message on Myspace. I'm not sure if I ever told you guys this story, but it's interesting and is worth re-telling if I have.

So anyway, around July/August of 2007 I got a note from a dude commenting on my smile or something. We exchanged messages for about a week, even communicated by instant message, but never got to the phone call stage.

During that same time period I got a Myspace message from an older woman stating that I should contact her because she knew my mother and thought that we were related. I was confused as hell but wrote her back anyway. Turned out that she was my sister from my biodad. Now, let me be clear here: I've had zero contact with my bio dad post any age that I could actually remember having a biodad. All of this was a complete shock. She told me I had two other sisters as well—one older than her (who she shares the same mother with) and one younger than me (who has a different mom).

We (myself and the two older ones living in the area) agreed to meet up at a restaurant and while there they dropped a bomb on me. The dude that contacted me just a few days before they wrote me is their BROTHER. Yes, they used him as bait to be sure that I was checking my Myspace account. My mouth literally dropped open. I couldn’t believe it. I felt weird after that thinking about the convos that we had. I don't recall them being sexual or anything but they were definitely flirty. Ewww flirting with my half-sisters' brother. I eventually ended up meeting him at a family gathering they invited me to and it was just weird. They didn't have to trick me like that. That was foul.

New Hairs

“Every week you’ve got new hair.”

That's what my supervisor says to me today from across the room—just before a meeting starts. Yea. I just smiled and said yep.

I don't care about “hair story time lines” so I'll go from rocking my natural hair in a twist out, to slapping on my lace front in 1.2 days flat. LOL. I should do a roller set on my hair tonight so that can be a whole 'nother look for her.

My hair is more of an accessory than anything else and I love to change it up when the mood strikes me. Why can’t they understand that? I think I'm going to ask my local congressman to fund a cultural hair diversity grant program in the workplace. I'm doing my part to encourage workplace diversity awareness. Oooh I wonder if I could get a weave reimbursement. Things that make you go hmmm....

On another “new hair” topic, I've recently discovered that I have not one but two chin hairs. Where in the ham sandwich did these suckers come from and why don't they go back? We don't want or need you here.

They aren't visible until you get right up on me, but I'm not pleased that they are there. When I discovered them I tried taking pics but they wouldn't come out clear. My BF told me I was the weirdest person he knows for trying to capture my chin hair's debut on film.

I thought about “gelling” them back so at least they wouldn't stick out. LOL. I'm scared to pluck or wax them because I don't want more of their friends to join them when they decide to grow back and turn me into some kind of bearded lady. No thanks. I don't know what to do. So for now they are staying right where they are.

Random Negro Stories File: Down For the Cause

On my way back to the office from an impromptu trip to Whole Foods, a guy approached me.

His opening line: The sun is shining now that I see your face.

Huh. Oh did I mention that it’s overcast out? Right. So you know I gave him the side eye.

Now he wasn’t trying to holla or anything but I should have seen it coming especially since he walked right up on this man that was walking a few steps ahead of me. At first I thought he knew him because he had his hand out ready to shake the guys hand and said “My man…”The guy ducked and dodged him and I tried to do the same but he continued to walk down the street with me.

He was in plain clothes so I bet he was one of those Lyndon LaRouche people. Man they are slick and will roll up on you at any time. I remember I was in college and one of them chased me down hill to a McDonalds trying to get me to listen to whatever it is he had to say. I need to get my local Congressman to draft a guidebook for overly enthusiastic policy advocates, because seriously they need to respect people’s personal space. There is no reason that I should have to run from these people.

Anyway he’s all talking about how we need to become friends, but all I can think is I don’t feel like listening to your spiel about whatever it is he’s trying to get me to do/buy/believe in. I was not in the mood to be subject to any cult recruiting. I had to get back to work! LOL. He finally gave up when I kept my face straight and kept walking away.

It's been a long time...I shouldn'ta left you...

Oh my word, this here blogger thingy says I haven’t been on here since May 11, 2009. My how time flies. If any of you that have been reading this blog are still around, here’s what I’ve been up to (in no particular order):

1. The Boy and I broke up, shortly after that last blog. I complained about us not spending enough quality time together after he canceled a series of dates. His paranoid ass broke up with me because he was convinced that I would cheat on him--based on the fact that the gf before me did.
2. Said breakup led to a solo summer trip to Atlanta (previously planned for The Boy to accompany moi) where I ended up meeting the current boo (online of course, y’all know I loves me some innanet menz. lol).
3. Yes, I said current boo. I’m afraid to even write about him here because this blog has cursed my relationships I swear.
4. My grandma died (RIP Dora Enid!)
5. I went on a fab girls trip to New Orleans for the Essence Music Festival (I’m still not over Maxwell’s ass coming on the stage all late and keeping me from sipping hurricanes and hand grenades on Burbon Street. BTW, public drinking really should be allowed in more cities, write your local Congressman about that!)
6. I went natural—after 10 months of transitioning. I cut off about 7 inches of relaxed hair.
7. I survived a 40+ person layoff at my company after a merger.
8. I moved to Baltimore.
9. I bough my first LaceFront wig.
10. I cooked 96 percent of a Thanksgiving dinner from scratch (I used premade pie shells for my sweet potato pie and I doctored up some boxed stuffing. But the chicken, candied yams, macaroni and cheese, collard greens, red velvet cake, and yeast rolls—ALL ME BABY!)
11. I started P90X and Fat Smash (Yes I know this is like the kabillionth time I’ve started FS, but I’m determined to make this thing work for me.)

So now that we’re all caught up, what y’all been up to?