Random Negro Stories File: Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Hey folks! I am back! Like Blak Jesus!

So you know that point in your life when you’re on the cusp of getting into a new relationship and it seems that all these potential suitors (old and new) pop up out the woodwork, well that’s where I am now.

Anyway, It’s a powerful yet confusing place to be. Your self-esteem soars, but you’re also left wondering, hey…where were you three months ago when I had nothing?!? It seems the secret to getting people to want you is to do nothing. I stopped putting in effort with the unavailables and BAM they all up in my face. I’m bout to start yelling like Soulja Boy, “YAH TRICK YAH! GET OUT MY FACE, GET OUT MY FACE.”

It’s like they can sense that I’m happy and moving on. Just like in Congress when there’s must pass legislation and lawmakers start trying to attach the most random provisions to it. I’m gonna call my local Congressman for tips on how to keep these riders off the bandwagon, especially since they missed it the first go-round.

So the first to try to hop back on is Samson. What? You don’t remember him? Just scroll down to the previous post for a refresher. Don’t worry…I’ll wait…All caught up? Great! So he sent me a note on myspace a few weeks ago saying, “Did you miss me?” That was the entire message, no “Hi, how are you doing” nothing, even though the last time I hear from him was a month before that. I humored his response saying, “I would ask you the same but I think I already know the answer to that.” He wrote me back a four-page letter about how it was my fault that everything between us went wrong, but in spite of that he missed me and if I truly missed him and want to give him a chance to enter my heart and not hold him accountable for what other men have done to me then leave him my number again so we can take it from there. Really? Ha! But because I hate people thinking they are right when they’re really not I sent him a note back refuting all his points, namely that he shut the whole thing down because I wouldn’t have sex with him and tried to get me to accept so “no strings” bullshit so that he could have sex with other people and not feel bad about it. I also mentioned that I’m talking to someone else. He must also have that trait because he sent me another note re-refuting my points, and ended it saying he misses me but and is glad that I found someone that treats me the way I want to be treated, but that if I still want to be friends and hang out from time to time or if me and my man don’t work out and I want to give him another chance then I should hit him up. I was starting to feel like a broken record, so I just let his note go unanswered.

Next up, Friendship and Fun. The other day he sent me an IM talking about how I don’t love him anymore and I show him no attention and that he was going to show up at my apartment and chain himself to my bed or sofa, “anything to be close” since he was “going thru withdrawal.” He’s been more consistent in trying to keep in touch with me. I went out of town for July 4th and he hit me up everyday from the day I left till the day I was supposed to return. I got all kinds of “Hey pretty girl” and “I miss you” messages.

A while back I met this dude on myspace and he seemed ok online, but when I talked to him on the phone I couldn’t understand a darn thing he was saying. I attributed it to the fact that he was African, and grew up in Paris, making French his native tongue. So we’ll call him, ESOL (English to Speakers of Other Languages). Anyway after getting frustrated over our language barrier, I decided to let it go, but maybe I should have let him know that. Maybe then I wouldn’t have gotten an unsolicited camera phone pic of his morning erection. And maybe, just maybe, he wouldn’t still be sending me text messages saying he hasn’t heard from me in a long time. Oh well.

The most shocking unavailables to resurface is a dude we’ll call Ruby Tuesdays. No he didn’t work there, but that is where we first met up. Now you haven’t heard me talk about him because our situation was over and done with long before I created this blog and we haven’t had contact in nearly three years, so imagine my surprise when I see his IM name flash across my screen saying hi how you doing. I didn’t realize he was trying to reach me until the next morning (Y’all know I’m a narco and fall asleep with my IM up.)

Anyway here’s the back-story, we met the summer of 2005, on yahoo personals. Things were oh so great. We went on dates, he made me mixed love song CDs and he introduced me to his family. He was sweet and charming and caring and considerate.

But then the persona he presented began to unravel. My first red flag should have been discovering the pack of cigarettes in his car when he claimed to be a non-smoker. I guess after weeks of hiding it he just couldn’t take it anymore. On one date we actually had to leave a restaurant because he couldn’t light up inside. WTF. But that’s not even the half of it everything really started to fall apart that fall. Two weeks before my birthday, my roommate at the time and I decided to throw a Labor Day house party. I invited Ruby Tuesdays and he bought all this stuff for it. But he so-called had to run back out and then reappears at my apartment drunk! At first he was harmless, but a few more beers in and he starts insulting my party guests and then when I asked him to leave he tried to grab me up. One of my good guy friends springs into action and is like naw homes you gonna have to raise up outta here. I had to leave my own damn party I was so distraught.

Foolishly we made up only for me to get a call in the wee hours of my birthday, from his actual girlfriend, on his phone. Bet you didn’t see that coming. Neither did I. See I was up late doing my hair in anticipation of our date and this strange IM pops up, and it says something like, I need to know what’s going on between you and Ruby Tuesdays. So of course, like a dumb ass I called him, ready to cuss him out like who the frick is this asking me who I am to you. He doesn’t answer, so I left a message, just saying call me back. My phone rings like 15 minutes later and looking at the caller ID, it’s him, or so I thought. It’s actually his girlfriend. She tells me how she wanted to talk to me and find out who I really was because he told him that I was a friend of his when she caught him looking at my yahoo personals profile at her house. I had to respect her gangsta, she did not try to talk to me all crazy or call me out of my name at all. She just wanted the truth about our sorry ass man. The worst part was that he called me back later on that day trying to continue with our celebration plans for my birthday like everything was all cool. It wasn’t until I said something to him that he was like yea I know. He offered up the usual pitiful excuses, you know “oh we were going through some things when I met you” and “we got back together and then I just couldn’t choose.” Oh and my favorite “I never expected to like you as much as I do.” Gee thanks.

So what he could have to say to me after all that I have no idea, but guess it’s true what they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Too bad more often than not it’s only in one direction.