How: My Favorite Question

How do you stop wanting a man? Not a particular man, but one in general? Everyone keeps telling me it will come when I’m least expecting it. But that does me no good, because I’m constantly expecting it. So someone please tell me how to not expect it, because it’s driving me crazy. Every time I meet a new man I get uber excited and it crashes and burns. I make bad decisions. I’m too eager. I lose my cool. I need something else to wrap my thoughts around. It probably doesn’t help that I think I’m either shallow or picky. But I don’t really feel like I should have to settle for something I don’t want for the sake of having a man. I never want to look at my man and think maybe I could have done better for myself.

You’d think I would have stopped a long time ago, considering my Random Negro Stories, but no matter what I can’t stop wanting it. I think about it night and day. Thoughts of what it would be like to truly have someone love me and accept the love that I’m ready to give back. It’s consuming me. Help! No one so far has had the answer. Well maybe my local Congressman, but I haven’t talked to him yet. I’m having a hard time tracking him down since Congress is on recess.

I’ve tried doing other stuff to take my mind off it. Nope still there. It’s not even like I really have that much time on my hands. I have two jobs. I work six days a week. When I’m not working I’m either hanging out with friends or shopping. Sometimes both. I read, I write, and when I’m not being lazy I work out. I do my make up, make up cute outfits with accessories, only to wonder why cuz I don’t have any dates to wear them on. I watch DVDs while eating chicken and drinking wine. End up yelling at the TV about whatever no good man is in it or crying over why I can’t get one like the ones that got it right. I party, I dance, I drink only to end up hung over and sad that my bed is empty. I talk to my mom, my friends, my sisters, and hang up still feeling like I want a man. I guess it doesn’t matter where I am, or what I’m doing my mind always takes me there. So what am I to do? I get angry. I get frustrated. I get sad. I keep feeling like I’m never going to get my chance. But yet I’m still looking every chance I get. WTF is wrong with me?

Random Negro Stories File: Cyber Stalking

Sometime last week I got a random friend request on Facebook. I had no idea where I could have known this chick from. The little blurb they show you on Facebook says she’s from ATL. So am I but I’m certain I don’t know this girl from my childhood. I’m thinking maybe I know her through this message board I belong to, but the name and face are not ringing a bell. So then I check to see who we know in common. The only person we both know (at least on Facebook) is my favorite random Negro: Friendship and Fun. Interesting.

So you know the wheels are turning in my head. I’m like out of all of his 1,500 some odd friends, how did this chick find me? And furthermore why is she interested in knowing who I am? But then I think back to the “I made it back safely ☺” message that I posted on his wall after I came back from Chicago. I guess to an outsider that could denote some sort of more than friendly relationship.

Now, I’m not gonna be all self-righteous and act like I haven’t done my share of cyber stalking, but I’ve never gone as far as to send a friend request to a chick to check out who dude may or not be dealing with. I do have some sense of shame. Anyway, after some consultation with a few of the members of my male roundtable, I send chick a note asking her who she is. She doesn’t respond.

So yesterday I’m talking to Friendship and Fun and I tell him, "Oh I think this girl is trying to cyber stalk you through me." He asked, "who?" I couldn’t remember chick’s name so I looked it up on Facebook and told him. He was like oh I know her through this Greek message board, but she’s from Atlanta so how would she know you? Good question. I mean I am from Atlanta (by way of Brooklyn, NY) but as I said I’m sure she’s not someone I know from elementary, middle or high school and I’m not Greek, so that eliminates that circle. Then he reveals that she likes him and has offered up the booty. So it’s all crystal clear.

I wonder how many of the other girls posting on his wall got friend requests? I should start a Facebook group and ask my local Congressman to try and get us in the witness protection program. But it’s kind of flattering to be on the other end of a cyber stalk mission. Ha! People wanna know who I am! And I’m cute…shooot! This is kinda cool. I feel like I’ve upped my hater count by at least one. But like Katt Williams says, I gotta get five more before the summer is out, LMAO!

Dream Analysis: Sneaker Thieves

This morning I woke up kicking. I kicked the shit out of the three or four purses laying on the edge of my bed. The thud woke me up from a dream that I was being jacked for some Polo sneakers. Cute ones too—white canvas with red trim around it. In the dream I was around middle school age, but the shoes being taken from me are ones I own now. Stop right there: No I haven’t had them since then.

From what I remember, I was at Payless trying on some sandals. I took one side of my sneakers off and walked away from it to go look at how they looked on my feet in one of those lil mirrors on the side of the bench where you sit down to try your shoes on. When I came back yall my shoe was gone. I’m like who the hell would steal one side of a shoe?

So I go looking around the store and come up on a girl who reminded me of those sneaky girls in middle school. You know the ones that look like they’re always up to something. I go up to her and ask if she knows what happened to my shoe and she’s like I don’t know what you’re talking about, with a smirk on her face. Ah hee hee hell. That bitch had my shoe. I just knew it. But I walk away. So then somehow both of my shoes are gone and I end up with these fugly Reeboks.

I walk around the store some more and see the same girl with my shoes, so I snatch them back from her. I put them on and take off running out the store. However, homegirl sent these two kids that were with her after me. One is a tall mannish looking girl and the other a tall skinny dude. So anyway they catch up to me, lift me up and try to snatch the shoes off my feet. So I started kicking and that’s when I woke up.

Sidebar: I actually went to middle school with my jackers in real life. The man-girl (who happened to have a thing for stealing) I recently saw on Facebook, but the dude, he was a total random reappearance.

That was some crazy dream and I really felt like it had to mean something more than me just losing some shoes that I didn’t even owned when I was in middle school.

So here’s what the good folks at DreamMoods.com think my dream meant.

Robbery
To dream that you have been robbed, denotes that you are experiencing an identity crisis or you are suffering some sort of loss in your life.

These people might be dead on. Lately I’ve been wondering what the hell it is I want to do with my professional life. I mean I love to write and covering Congress is cool and all, but I think I really need to get started on the novel(s) I’ve been kicking around in my head for the past few years. As for the loss part, maybe it’s the loss of my potential relationship. Boo!

Running
To dream that you are running away from someone, indicates an issue that you are trying to avoid. You are not taking or accepting responsibility for your actions. In particular, if you are running from an attacker or any danger, then it suggests that you are not facing and confronting your fears.

I don’t know what this could mean. Maybe it’s all going back to not yet getting started on those novels.

Kick
To dream that you are kicking someone, represents suppressed aggression that you are unable to express in your waking life.

Ok. Now I love the Dream Moods people. I’m still pissed about Iraq standing me up. That day I wanted to throw plates and glass and shit around just to hear them crash, but I thought to myself, who the hell is gonna clean all that shit up? So I didn’t. Coincidentally I took the Monday, after our date was supposed to happen, off and my friend suggested that we go on a rampage and just slap random people because that couldn’t get us into jail for very long. I almost called my local Congressman to see if he could draft up a quick resolution to make that ok, but I just ended up sleeping most of the day away.

Sneakers
To see or wear sneakers in your dream, suggests that you are approaching through life with ease and little obstacles. It also denotes comfort and satisfaction with yourself and who you are. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you lead an active life and is always on the go.

They were on a roll until now. I wouldn’t exactly say that my life is at ease. But I guess I do live an active life. I have two jobs. I hang out with my friends and I have been traveling a lot this summer. Ok. Dream Moods people. You get your kudos back.

Random Negro Stories File: Nick Namin’

So on Saturday I was strolling down by Metro Center, wasting time before heading into my part time job. I see these two guys walking towards me. One of them was kinda cute but I’ve been in such a funky mood about guys that I just didn’t feel like being bothered. As I walk past though the cute one stops me looks me up and down and is like “Can I give you a nick name for the day? Lemme give you a nick name for the day.” I oblige for whatever reason and he says, “Tell your man to call you Mahogany.”

This tickles me because my friend, who also is going through some relationship drama, and I just watched Diana Ross’s Mahogany the other day. We drank wine and ate chicken, biscuits and potato salad from Cluck-U, while yelling at Billy Dee Williams for leaving her when she needed him most. Sidebar: I’ve got to stop eating chicken when I’m sad, but it’s so good! Ole punk moved back to Chicago to run for office. Made me not even want to call my local Congressman for anything else this week.

So when I met up with my friend at Macy’s I told her the story and joked that I was going to go home after work, drink wine and pour hot candle wax all over myself. Those of you who have seen the movie will appreciate that. If you haven’t, check it out. It’s a really fantastical film.

In other news, this guy I know from a previous job, we’ll call him Pies, sends me a text message asking where’s his pie. I had promised him like two years ago that I was going to make him a Sweet Potato Pie because I was raving about it after Thanksgiving that year. So we’re texting back and forth and some how he’s made the switch to asking for a different piece of pie and I’m not talking baked goods here. Men. I stopped texting him back when he started trying to arrange times.

Pies has been trying to get me to sleep with him for the past couple years, but I’ve just danced around the issue because I know he just wants that. At one point we were talking about going out, but over the course of the conversation he made it clear that he wasn’t really looking for anything serious. So I decided to let it go because it would really piss me off to have to go through the same sad story with him, and I need a break from the sad stories.

Random Negro Stories File: The Invisible Man

So remember that relationship I was on the cusp of getting into? Well yea...we’re gonna scratch that from the record. Bad for me, but good for y’all, because what would this blog be if I weren't able to rant about all the ain't shit bammas I come across?

Add to the list Iraq. No he’s not really a foreign national, but he was (maybe still is) stationed there. He’s a Navy man. We met on Myspace a couple of months ago. I was bored and was searching for people to chat with over a Congressional recess. The pic he had posted had the nicest smile—almost rivaled mine, so I was intrigued. I sent him a note complimenting his smile and he wrote me back saying the same. We got to chatting and before too long we agreed to meet when he came back—which was supposedly last week.

We made all these grand plans to go to The Cheesecake Factory after I flew in from Chicago. He even called me the Tuesday and Wednesday before hand to confirm our Sunday date so I have no idea why I have yet to lay eyes on this brotha. I got home that Sunday from the airport and got a snack, took a nap, and logged on to see if he’d gotten my messages with my address. He did. So I’m figuring ok, well let me go ahead and get dressed because he should be here soon. So it’s six p.m.—our previously agreed upon time and he hasn't shown up yet. No worries, I kinda live in the boonies and my apt building is hard to find. Six-thirty comes. Nothing. Seven p.m. Still nothing. Why didn't you call him and see what’s going on you ask? Because I couldn't. Since he was overseas he didn't have a cell phone, so whenever we talked on the phone he called. By Seven-thirty I’d changed my clothes, ran up to this chicken spot called Cluck-U and sulked while scarfing down 10 traditional hot wings—with Ranch dressing. You should be proud of me though I didn't pop in When Harry Met Sally, my go to movie for my sad moments.

The next morning I send him a note on Myspace asking if everything was ok with him and to let me know what was up. I've never been stood up before so I've run the gamut of emotions on this one. First I was sad. Then angry. Like really, you’re just not gonna show up? But then I thought to myself maybe he's not back on American soil yet. Maybe he’s angry that he's still over there and is shutting me out. I almost wrote my local Congressman to see if he could get me on a convoy trip to Iraq so I could try to find him.

That was the best I could come up with to not feel like the whole thing was a sham. It's what I told myself for the past week to not feel duped by a guy that for two months called me beautiful, told me that he felt a connection with me and feigned excitement about meeting me. Hours after I sent the are you ok message I saw that he read it and thus far he has not responded. He logged in today and still nothing. It’s taking everything out of me to not send him a good cuss out message. I can’t lie, most of me is hoping that he’ll have a good explanation and that I’ll be able to go back to my happy "ooh isn't romance great" world.

Most of the folks I've told this story to is like oh just get over it, it was just two months on Myspace. But to me it wasn't. We spent hours at a time on the phone, on IM on web cam. I knew him, or I thought I did. I felt like he was my chance, like he was going to be the one to put an end to my Random Negro Stories File. But it lives on, so stay tuned for the next installment.

Random Negro Stories File: Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Hey folks! I am back! Like Blak Jesus!

So you know that point in your life when you’re on the cusp of getting into a new relationship and it seems that all these potential suitors (old and new) pop up out the woodwork, well that’s where I am now.

Anyway, It’s a powerful yet confusing place to be. Your self-esteem soars, but you’re also left wondering, hey…where were you three months ago when I had nothing?!? It seems the secret to getting people to want you is to do nothing. I stopped putting in effort with the unavailables and BAM they all up in my face. I’m bout to start yelling like Soulja Boy, “YAH TRICK YAH! GET OUT MY FACE, GET OUT MY FACE.”

It’s like they can sense that I’m happy and moving on. Just like in Congress when there’s must pass legislation and lawmakers start trying to attach the most random provisions to it. I’m gonna call my local Congressman for tips on how to keep these riders off the bandwagon, especially since they missed it the first go-round.

So the first to try to hop back on is Samson. What? You don’t remember him? Just scroll down to the previous post for a refresher. Don’t worry…I’ll wait…All caught up? Great! So he sent me a note on myspace a few weeks ago saying, “Did you miss me?” That was the entire message, no “Hi, how are you doing” nothing, even though the last time I hear from him was a month before that. I humored his response saying, “I would ask you the same but I think I already know the answer to that.” He wrote me back a four-page letter about how it was my fault that everything between us went wrong, but in spite of that he missed me and if I truly missed him and want to give him a chance to enter my heart and not hold him accountable for what other men have done to me then leave him my number again so we can take it from there. Really? Ha! But because I hate people thinking they are right when they’re really not I sent him a note back refuting all his points, namely that he shut the whole thing down because I wouldn’t have sex with him and tried to get me to accept so “no strings” bullshit so that he could have sex with other people and not feel bad about it. I also mentioned that I’m talking to someone else. He must also have that trait because he sent me another note re-refuting my points, and ended it saying he misses me but and is glad that I found someone that treats me the way I want to be treated, but that if I still want to be friends and hang out from time to time or if me and my man don’t work out and I want to give him another chance then I should hit him up. I was starting to feel like a broken record, so I just let his note go unanswered.

Next up, Friendship and Fun. The other day he sent me an IM talking about how I don’t love him anymore and I show him no attention and that he was going to show up at my apartment and chain himself to my bed or sofa, “anything to be close” since he was “going thru withdrawal.” He’s been more consistent in trying to keep in touch with me. I went out of town for July 4th and he hit me up everyday from the day I left till the day I was supposed to return. I got all kinds of “Hey pretty girl” and “I miss you” messages.

A while back I met this dude on myspace and he seemed ok online, but when I talked to him on the phone I couldn’t understand a darn thing he was saying. I attributed it to the fact that he was African, and grew up in Paris, making French his native tongue. So we’ll call him, ESOL (English to Speakers of Other Languages). Anyway after getting frustrated over our language barrier, I decided to let it go, but maybe I should have let him know that. Maybe then I wouldn’t have gotten an unsolicited camera phone pic of his morning erection. And maybe, just maybe, he wouldn’t still be sending me text messages saying he hasn’t heard from me in a long time. Oh well.

The most shocking unavailables to resurface is a dude we’ll call Ruby Tuesdays. No he didn’t work there, but that is where we first met up. Now you haven’t heard me talk about him because our situation was over and done with long before I created this blog and we haven’t had contact in nearly three years, so imagine my surprise when I see his IM name flash across my screen saying hi how you doing. I didn’t realize he was trying to reach me until the next morning (Y’all know I’m a narco and fall asleep with my IM up.)

Anyway here’s the back-story, we met the summer of 2005, on yahoo personals. Things were oh so great. We went on dates, he made me mixed love song CDs and he introduced me to his family. He was sweet and charming and caring and considerate.

But then the persona he presented began to unravel. My first red flag should have been discovering the pack of cigarettes in his car when he claimed to be a non-smoker. I guess after weeks of hiding it he just couldn’t take it anymore. On one date we actually had to leave a restaurant because he couldn’t light up inside. WTF. But that’s not even the half of it everything really started to fall apart that fall. Two weeks before my birthday, my roommate at the time and I decided to throw a Labor Day house party. I invited Ruby Tuesdays and he bought all this stuff for it. But he so-called had to run back out and then reappears at my apartment drunk! At first he was harmless, but a few more beers in and he starts insulting my party guests and then when I asked him to leave he tried to grab me up. One of my good guy friends springs into action and is like naw homes you gonna have to raise up outta here. I had to leave my own damn party I was so distraught.

Foolishly we made up only for me to get a call in the wee hours of my birthday, from his actual girlfriend, on his phone. Bet you didn’t see that coming. Neither did I. See I was up late doing my hair in anticipation of our date and this strange IM pops up, and it says something like, I need to know what’s going on between you and Ruby Tuesdays. So of course, like a dumb ass I called him, ready to cuss him out like who the frick is this asking me who I am to you. He doesn’t answer, so I left a message, just saying call me back. My phone rings like 15 minutes later and looking at the caller ID, it’s him, or so I thought. It’s actually his girlfriend. She tells me how she wanted to talk to me and find out who I really was because he told him that I was a friend of his when she caught him looking at my yahoo personals profile at her house. I had to respect her gangsta, she did not try to talk to me all crazy or call me out of my name at all. She just wanted the truth about our sorry ass man. The worst part was that he called me back later on that day trying to continue with our celebration plans for my birthday like everything was all cool. It wasn’t until I said something to him that he was like yea I know. He offered up the usual pitiful excuses, you know “oh we were going through some things when I met you” and “we got back together and then I just couldn’t choose.” Oh and my favorite “I never expected to like you as much as I do.” Gee thanks.

So what he could have to say to me after all that I have no idea, but guess it’s true what they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Too bad more often than not it’s only in one direction.

The No: BoyFriend Zone

Being the cool chick that I am has its drawbacks in the romance department. You’d think it’d be a cool advantage to have guys think you are neat and actually want to spend time with you outside of the bedroom right. Well yea it would be if any of them were emotionally available.

The latest, which we’ll call The Trainer, tells me that he just got out of a relationship this past January and that his ex hasn’t quite moved on yet. The end result, things are going nowhere fast with me. I told him I’d opt out, rather than wait for me to get caught up (which I most certainly would) rather than be peaced out later. But then I reneged on myself. I started to feel bad about going back to square one. Ok who am I fooling, I just don’t want to be alone. So I tried to go back and say that I still wanted to hang out. But he has a conscience and a heart, so he told me that he didn’t want to hurt me.

So even after a couple of weeks where I thought I was getting somewhere with this nice guy—we actually went on dates (outside of my house or his)—I’m back to where I was before we met because we are not on the same page with regard to any future for a relationship. So that’s that. Damn it! I’m so tired of meeting emotionally unavailable men. And lately, all the unemotionals have been resurfacing.

No Love In ’08 (he’s the one who told me over IM just before New Years that nothing was going to happen between us romantically in 2008) sent me a text at 1:48 a.m. Saturday night saying “hey cavema” It’s his nickname for me that spawned from one of our few dates at Uno’s where all I kept saying was “pizza good.” I was knocked out on my couch after a Big Mac and fries, popcorn, M&Ms and Milk Duds induced food coma, (yea I know that’s not on the plan, but disregard that for the moment) so I missed it. His emotional unavailability surfaced about a month after hanging out (read having sex and eating pizza) Lord only knows what he wanted. He has a habit of popping back up randomly, in the name of checking on me and wanting to make sure (side eye and smirk go here) I’m ok. I didn’t respond so I’m expecting a semi-hostile note the next time I hear from him about me “ignoring him.”

Dude I blogged about last time (who turned down my date invite to wash his hair), let’s call him Samson, left me a voice mail saying if I was over whatever it was that caused me to cut him out of my life then I should call him, because I’m cool peeps to hang around and he just wants friendship with no benefits with me. Really? HA!!! Apparently he misses my ‘cool’ friendship. I really don’t need any more friends. I’m fine with the ones I’ve got really.

Friendship and Fun (the one who gave me the card) found out about The Trainer and has been wanting to hang out with me lately. He wants to cook with me because “it would be fun” and “we both like to eat” and he “likes spending time with [me].” He doesn’t really want me. I wish he would just stop faking. But I guess it’s not really politically correct to say to someone, hey lemme sex you down and then we can eat afterwards…well unless you’re either married or mutually agree that that type of communication is ok between you to. I certainly have not given him that signal.

I don’t know why these types are attracted to me. Oh wait, it’s cuz I’m so cool, but still. Go disrupt someone else’s life. Maybe I should ask my local Congressman to get help more funding for relationship counseling. But really, people always say that the kind of people attracted to you tells you something about you. Maybe the sad truth is that no matter how much I really want to be in a relationship I’m really not ready for one, and that’s why I haven’t met the one that’s ready to be in a relationship with me. I guess it would be a waste to put all my emotional baggage on to someone that has already worked his out.

I mean if I think about it, I’ve been in this vicious cycle for ten years now. Girl meets guy. Girl likes guy. Girl loses guy. Girl cries. After a long talk with a very good friend, I realize that I play and am comfortable in the victim role. It’s always ‘Why is this happening to me?’ and not ‘What can I do to deal with this?’ That’s the much harder thing to do. I don’t know how to do that. But I guess if I’m going to ever at some point be a mentally healthy person then I better figure out how. So anyone with suggestions, books you’ve read or whatever, send me a line. This is my plea for help.